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NBA Team New Year’s Resolutions for 2011

December 31, 2010 By 1 Comment

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Atlanta Hawks: We promise to stop making the East look more competitive than it really is.

Boston Celtics: We promise to acquire more star players on the team so we can show how much we mean business.

Charlotte Bobcats: We promise to live in Michael Jordan’s shadow from now on.

Chicago Bulls: We promise to make Derrick Rose the next T-Mac.

Cleveland Cavaliers: We STILL promise we’ll win a ring before Lebron James does.

Dallas Mavericks: We promise to prove to everyone that the regular season does matter.

Denver Nuggets: We promise to get George Karl a tattoo, thereby completing our entire roster with tattoos.

Detroit Pistons: We promise to act interested in the league again.

Golden State Warriors: We promise to score more points than our opponents.

Houston Rockets: We promise to acquire more injury prone players to fill out our roster.

Indiana Pacers: We promise diversify our roster by adding more Caucasian players.

Los Angeles Clippers: We promise to shed the Los Angeles image from our name

Los Angeles Lakers: We promise to shed the Clippers’ image from our game

Memphis Grizzlies: We promise to make the Southwest division less competitive

Miami Heat: We promise to make more headlines and a mention on ESPN.com

Milwaukee Bucks: We promise to stop submitting our beer as energy drinks for our players.

Minnesota Timberwolves: We promise to stop missing on purpose just so we can stat-pad Kevin Love’s rebounds.

New Jersey Nets: We promise to acquire Lebron James, even if it means going thru contraction to please him.

New Orleans Hornets: We’re owned by David Stern, we don’t need a fucking resolution.

New York Knicks: We promise to make Amare Stoudemire the next Patrick Ewing.

Oklahoma City Thunder: We will continue to follow Cleveland’s strategy

Orlando Magic: We promise to get more guards to surround Jameer Nelson

Philadelphia 76ers: We promise to draft more players that share the same initials of Spielberg movie titles.

Phoenix Suns: After every loss, we promise to stop reminding everyone how unfair we were treated during the Robert Horry incident.

Portland Trailblazers: We promise to use our budget hire a team physical trainer.

Sacramento Kings: We promise to race Tyreke Evans in the owners’ Lamborghini for his next contract.

San Antonio Spurs: We promise to play with less flash and eliminate the excessive showboating from our game.

Toronto Raptors: We promise to stop blaming ourselves and blame our departed franchise players.

Utah Jazz: We promise to eliminate the age discrimination clause from all future coaching contracts… if we ever get another coach.

Washington Wizards: We promise to show John Wall he made a mistake leaving college early.

HAPPY NEW YEAR’S YALL!!!

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Witch hunt for Charlie Villanueva in progress after Garnett Injury

December 30, 2010 By Leave a Comment

DETROIT, MICH. – The Boston Celtics lost to the Detroit Pistons. Sadly that isn’t the news here as people were more hyped about a rematch between Celtics F Kevin Garnett and Detroit F Charlie Villanueva. Last time these 2 had faced, there was bad blood between them as Villanueva tweeted to the whole world that Garnett had playfully called him a cancer patient look-alike.

Sparks flew off right away as Villanueva picked up 2 fouls and had to sit out. Onlookers pointed out that Garnett proceeded to bump Charlie as he was heading to the bench. Not too long after, Garnett was seen limping up the court after he landed awkwardly on his right leg after a dunk. X-rays came out negative for fractures but he would not be able to return to the game. The Celtics’ trainer informed that Garnett would have to later test for any ligament damage when the Celtics return home to Boston.

Meanwhile, Villanueva couldn’t help suppress a smile as the game went on and led to a Detroit victory. Pistons fans yelled out obscenities as Garnett left the court like “Karma’s a bitch” and “Your knee is cancerous to the sport”, but some skeptics are mysteriously mystified by the timing and turn of events. “This is uncanny” said Keith Rowlings, a lifetime Celtics fan who was at the game. Rowlings, is a community leader who has been revered for his positive influence amongst youths and poor families. “I’ve never seen such bad luck in my life. This is bad for Celtics basketball when one of our big 4 goes down. First Rondo, now Garnett?”.

Rowlings then promised to organize a witch hunt for Villanueva and bring justice back down where it belongs. “Have you actually looked at him? The guy’s scary looking. He reminds me of that one guy from Star Trek. Anyone who looks like that naturally is bound to have some supernatural prowess and i’m going to put an end to this nonsense.” continued Rowlings as he lit up a hunting torch in the well-lit arena after the game.

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Goodell explains Favre fined so little for Jenn Sterger scandal because “well damn, look at her”

December 30, 2010 By Leave a Comment

jennstergerEden Prairie, Minnesota – As recently announced, Brett Favre was slammed with a $50k fine for not cooperating with the NFL during investigation of his scandalous situation with Jenn Sterger. In case you were born yesterday, Brett Favre entered this season with controversy because Sterger had came forth accusing Favre of sexually harassing her by sending lewd text messages and photos of his genitalia to her. The fine was imposed due to Favre playing a part in prolonging the probing process and not being completely forthcoming during investigation. Many critics of the penalty, including Sterger’s attorneys, drew ire saying that it was such a little penalty to Favre because he makes so much money a 50k fine wouldn’t impact him the slightest.

While that view point was noted, many Favre supporters argued that his legacy in the league has already been tarnished a great deal just from the story leaking out. “It had to be tough enough going out there and playing the game with this kind of monkey on your back” said a close friend of Favre’s. After the public backlash on the penalty, NFL commissioner Goodell voluntarily addressed the statements by saying Favre could’ve pulled uglier chics but he pulled such a dime piece. Goodell commented, “I mean, let’s be serious here, some of you 25 year old punks can’t pull that kind of ass on your best day, Favre pulled that at 41. Don’t even get me started on the type of ass you’d be pulling at 41. That’s just a testament to how great Favre is”. Goodell also added, “Favre is so money too that you don’t even hear anything about him kissing up and buying a 4 million dollar ring. I mean, much love for Kobe and all but the rocky horror picture show reject he was accused of harassing back in Denver isn’t on Sterger’s level. I’m sorry”

While his response shocked the critics, even many more applauded and realized their mistakes. Chris Bayer. a local Vikings fan commented, “[Goodell's] right. It’s Sterger’s fault for looking so damn fine. I also remember when she had her nude pictures up on playboy and how it distracted me from my daily article reads.” Favre may not have ended his career exactly the way he had hoped for, but he will still be a piece of motivation for aspiring athletes and other 40 year old men. Sterger’s attorneys also commented that to show how small the fine is for a multimillion dollar athlete like Favre, if he actually accrued 50k a year instead, he’d end up paying about $1.20 for the fine. Clearly upset was the attorney, according to multiple sources who were there during his public statement, until he was handed a May 2006 issue of Playboy magazine.

The attorney had to cut his speech short after taking a few glimpses. We’ll cover more on this story if any developments.

And oh yeah due to an agreement with our hosting provider, we are not allowed to show pornographic images on our site..

BUT THEY DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT LINKS!!!! pics (NSFW):

http://www.virtualcasino.com/images/83674_Sterger.jpg

http://www.virtualcasino.com/images/83679_Steger1.jpg

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ROFLJOCK rocks cocks harder than Jean-Claude Van Damme wrestling a kangaroo on methamphetamines!!!

December 24, 2010 By Leave a Comment

And if that makes perfect sense to you, then you’re a straight up baller in my book!! Mad props to Vlad, head blogger of slamdumb.com for giving me a shout-out on his Christmas Eve blog. ROFLJOCK got mad hits within a 3 hour span after he posted that article, and it was 3 am in the morning i believe when that happened. So that gave me 2 thoughts, 1. I have no life and look at my stats at 3 am in the morning and 2. I better get cracking and write more stories because ROFLJOCK’s viewers are about to increase dramatically.

On a serious note however, these sites are powered by a 1 or 2 individuals at best, who have very little time to brainstorm ideas, update the sites, and read hatemail and everything in between but I can attest for Vlad, Dmitry and ourselves that we are all very passionate about what we do but sometimes real life gets in the way, so please please please, when you get on any site and you don’t see an expected update or new article. We’re just as bummed as you are about not dishing one out within a reasonable amount of time.

But back to ROFLJOCKing!! it’s Christmas Eve.. I know.. but c’mon guys.. what’s with the videos? This is like a contest to see which sports team can create the most ridiculous video out there these holidays.

Wow.. on a side note, The mavs actually planned to sing this all season but guess what.. they choked..

Wow.. and this was a perfect opportunity to get rid of that Denver THUGgets image too

The moment i shared tears was at the very beginning of the video when i realized it was 8 mins long..

on a side note.. the end of the video features bloopers and outtakes… as if the entire thing wasn’t a blooper anyway

“..and an extra tooth to fill my gap teeeeeeth” :D

But i’m no scrooge.. I still have a favorite video out of all the christmas vids and that’s by the houston rockets..

and so what if they cheated? you gotta admit that is badass..

So yes that’s my holiday themed article.. talk about these with family and friends while drunken over with eggnog! tell em about rofljock also.. leave comments.. and do what ever else its y’all do.. just stay safe doing it.. MERRY CHRISTMAS :D AND HAPPY NEW YEAR’S IN ADVANCE!!

-Love,

Seb

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Newest ESPN Analyst Mike Brown plans to have Lebron James write his lines

December 24, 2010 By Leave a Comment

mikebrownCLEVELAND – Former Cleveland Cavaliers coach, Mike Brown has been hired by ESPN as an NBA analyst. His first stint will be heard on Christmas Day as he provides insight during the New York and Chicago game. Despite the quick assignment, there has been some difficulty getting everything wrapped up for game day.

Apparently Mike Brown is refusing to get on the air live because he doesn’t have all his material ready. His scheduled co-analysts expressed they understood and were willing to help him during tough times on air. Brown declined their suggestion however and repeatedly ordered the crew hire Lebron James. Brown wishes to have James get on the air and speak on his behalf. “I feel this is the only way I can do my best work on ESPN. I take it very seriously and I fail to see how this can be a problem for ESPN” commented Brown. Lebron James couldn’t be reached for comment on whether or not he would accept analysis for coach Brown.

The production crew ignored him at first, thinking he was joking around until Brown failed to report to work on Christmas Eve. At this point it wouldn’t be a surprise if Brown fails to show up at the Christmas game tomorrow.

Filed Under: .Headlines

Michael Jordan’s quest to destroy Charlotte Bobcats begins

December 24, 2010 By Leave a Comment

michael-jordan-398CHARLOTTE, N.C. – After Tuesday’s loss, the unexpected happened in Charlotte. Hall of Fame coach Larry Brown had gotten fired by team owner and former NBA great, Michael Jordan. Sources say there was a rift between the two individuals and that they did not see eye to eye on how the team was being built.

Jordan commented after the firing that it was in the best interest of the progression of the franchise and that the 19 losses in 28 games ‘wasn’t going to fly’. Larry Brown couldn’t be reached for comment as we were informed he was running late for his 3pm pill intake. Several players and staff within the organization took exception to the firing simply out of respect of Coach Larry Brown. “If anyone knew if Larry Brown wasn’t capable of coaching, it would be Larry, and he would leave on his own terms.” said a VP of basketball operations in Charlotte. Amongst those who shared his view, none would step up and challenge the decision because they all unanimously felt they in turn would be fired too. “Are you kidding me?” replied an anonymous staff member after being asked if there should be some sort of retaliation against Jordan, “It’s effin’ Michael Jordan! nobody questions him.. I’m still yet to get his autograph!”

Michael later commented that he plans to strengthen not only the team but the coaching staff as well, and promised that he’d bring an onslaught of former superstars from the league like Oakley and Ewing to teach the young guns. “I’ll come back and play if I have to, to show that I mean business” said Michael. “With me starting at the 2 and Kwame at the 5, there’s no reason we can’t turn things around right now.” As far as players go, Michael’s undying love for Brook Lopez still hasn’t been vanquished completely. There are rumors of trade talks between the Bobcats and the Nets. A spokesperson from the Nets leaked that Michael has even offered himself to come out of retirement to play for the Nets as long as they trade Lopez to Charlotte in the process.

Filed Under: .Headlines, NBA Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Earl Boykins and the Bucks beat Lakers 98 – 79; Lakers wonder what child was doing on the court

December 22, 2010 By Leave a Comment

boykinsxAs soon as 5’5 Earl Boykins stepped on the court, Lamar Odom had the most confused look on his face. Even more confused than when he saw how fat Chloe really was when she stood next to Santa at the mall. Boykins was the game’s points leader with 22 during the Bucks win. “It was like we let him score at will” said Laker forward Pau Gasol. “In fact, we did let him score at will because we had no idea who that was and why the refs weren’t stopping the game. I thought it was one of Kobe’s illegitimate children running around or something but I’ve got to admit this kid was good.” Pau continued.

Late in the fourth quarter, someone had tipped them off that it was actually an NBA player named Earl Boykins. Lamar Odom said after he figured out who he was, they had begun to play hard but it was too late by then. Phil Jackson, the zen master, was practicing whatever it is zen masters do because he appeared to do his trademark strategy of sitting on the bench crossing his leg and starring calmly at the game while Kobe barks signals. “It was wierd, i gotta admit” said Boykins after the game. “I thought i was going to get outmatched and outsized but instead it was like they felt sorry for me.” he continued. Boykins also added that he thought it was exceptionally wierd when he tried to penetrate the lane and he had Bynum carry him from behind with both arms, and lifted him towards the hoop to make a dunk.

Lakers are now 21 and 8 after the loss.

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89-0 record set by Uconn Women’s Basketball; Random critics ponder who let them out of kitchen

December 22, 2010 By Leave a Comment

It was a dominant 93-62 win over 20 ranked Florida State. “20th ranked!!!!” said Robert De La Cruz, a media columnist for the school newspaper. De La Cruz was clearly referring to how bad the Lady Seminoles were beaten despite their status in the AP polls. It’s no secret there has been a lot of debate over this record because of the fact that it was set by the women’s basketball team. Some critics are saying the record shouldn’t be discussed nor compared to the men’s record set by UCLA back in 1971 – 1974. others, including UConn coach, Geno Auriemma are saying they should stop being bastards and shut their pie holes. An interesting group of brash critics however, have brought a new set of beliefs to the table.

According to a group of pundits led by radio personality Ron Schymus, they had no idea women even played basketball. “I truly thought it was one of those things we let those girls do to make them feel better about themselves. I mean, i was shocked when i saw this on ESPN’ front page.” While many women were shocked at Ron’s remarks, he surprisingly drew a large number of supporters, mostly male. “If we have these women thinking they can compete on a level playing ground with men, and start talking about beating a record set by men, they’re going to think they are more useful than they really are.” continued Schymus.

The NOW organization has been in uproar over his comments and have called for his radio show to be canceled and taken off the air completely. Schymus response to them was that he didnt’ know women even formed such an organization and that he wonders who is letting them out of the kitchen. Apologies are still yet to be heard from Schymus but his group of supporters are growing strong and have come to his defense by picketing infront of his job that he shouldn’t be fired. Signs from picketers were visible like “great win, now go make me a damn sammich” and “you know i can still kick your ass right?”

For more developments on this story, stay subscribed to rofljock.

Filed Under: .Headlines, NCAA Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Randy Moss admits destroying chemistry in Tennessee is not as easy as he thought

November 21, 2010 By Leave a Comment

NASHVILLE, Tenn – After a challenging practice Friday, Moss was surprisingly available at the press booth to speak to the media. After coach Fisher had finished talking to the reporters, Moss quickly trotted on to the stage with his signature scowl on his face. As the crowd expected an angry fated media tongue-lashing from Moss, he greeted us with a sense of humbleness in his voice as he did nothing but commend the Titan’s organization.

randy-mossMoss further went on to explain that he didn’t think he’d like it as much as he as so far and that he came here with the sole purpose of ‘creating more drama’. “Quite frankly, I was trying to break a world record of changing teams within a season” said Moss as he was asked why he seemed changed during the press conference. Moss further admitted that he had no intention of playing football this season and figured his chances are pretty slim of touching the rest of Jerry Rice’s records so he sought out to make new records of his own, switching teams being one of them. “I was also going to have a crack at ‘most destroyed running back seasons’ world record but I have a feeling Chris Johnson’s will be hard to put a dent in.” Moss had already impeded Peterson’s in Minnesota by sharing the first option spotlight in Childress’ playbook.

When asked if Moss still sought to destroy the team, he declined to comment on that but gave us a vague response saying that “anything’s possible”. The Titans face Washington on Sunday the 21st. Lets see if Moss has formulated a new plan for success by then.

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Dog owner/Eagles fan still unsure whether he should root for Michael Vick

November 21, 2010 By Leave a Comment

PHILADELPHIA – David Haskins, a long time eagles fan has seen the ups and downs of his beloved franchise. Having been a season ticket holder for the past 10 years, he thanks his dog sitting business for allowing him to spend his fortunes on watching his favorite team take the field every Sunday. “I love what i do, I’ve been doing it all my life and I have no intention of retiring from my passion” said Haskins of his dog sitting business.

Haskins has been dog sitting ever since he was 10 years old. People say he has this special bond with all canines that would make Cesar Milan jealous. When Haskins turned this hobby into his career, it had become the turning point of his life financially. Now making up to $600 k a year, Haskins has more time to focus on enjoying the sport of football. However, things took a horrible twist when Vick was added to the team and eventually was named starter. “I missed the first Eagles game of my life when Vick took over for Kevin Kolb” commented Haskins. “After what Vick did, I can never forgive him. I will never root for him and I hope he gets injured.” Haskins also added.

Needless to say, Haskins was very excited when Vick went down with the rib injury but after the loss to Tennessee, he wasn’t so high on Kolb. “I wanted McNabb back” said Haskins. After Vick’s performance against McNabb of all people last week, Haskins admits he has never been more confused in his life as to whether to root for his team or boo for Vick. Fans sitting by him in the stadium said they thought he was an unadmitted schizophrenic patient. He would cheer for the Eagles defense but boo whenever the ball was passed on offense. After the 40th point, Haskins ran out of breath from his constant boos and passed out on the stadium field.

After being revived at the end of the game, he was told the final score was 59 – 28, and the Eagles won. Haskins still expressed displeasure despite his team winning. Haskins today is now being closely monitored as so he doesn’t kill himself from the confusion that occurs. Some fellow fans have encouraged him to forget the past and root for his franchise as this may be his best chance to see them win a championship but Haskins’ response is the usual cold blank stare.

Eagles play against the Giants this Sunday evening.

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