You are here: Home / 2010 / Archives for June 2010

Fans eagerly await free agency in anticipation of what team they will support next season

June 29, 2010 By Leave a Comment

NEW YORK- Brian Jenkins a local new yorker and for the past five years a Cleveland Cavilers fan, says the anticipation of the looming free agency is killing him. Officially teams are allowed to court unrestricted free agency and attempt to lure them to their teams following the establishment of the salary cap which is set to be released on July 8th. Jenkins states though that he can not wait another minute let alone another 9 days. ” I honestly don’t think there is a bigger cavs fan in the world than me, I even got the mascot tattooed on my calf’s, when Mo decided to head to Hawai during the playoff series with the Celtics i cried, like physically cried but if Lebron leaves then i guess i’m going to have to start supporting a new team”. When questioned if he was a bigger cavs fan than those long term fans in Ohio, Jenkins retorted ” What the hell is an Ohio” after proceeding to point Ohio out on a map Jenkins confirmed that he always believed Ohio to have always been apart of Indiana. After being asked why he would desert the team that he beloved so much, Jenkins supported his claims stating that ” Why would i follow a team that has never do anything bar have LeBron James on it?”.

Similar scenes where reported in Toronto Where a mass migration has been taken place with half the citizens going to Illinois while the other half have fled to Florida.

Filed Under: .Headlines, NBA Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Sources say other sources’ sources are not as resourceful as the sourceses themselves

June 28, 2010 By Leave a Comment

12198090531909861341man silhouette.svg.medSourceville – According to sources, there has been breaking news of other sources admitting that their sources aren’t as reliable as other sources they compete with. The first source of information came from an unknown source but was reported by another source. The problem however is that even though this source was certain of the source of the story, he didn’t have any back up or resources to prove the source was truthful, therefore the story until proven true is just a rumor.

Other sources couldn’t confirm the story or the source of the story but they claimed to have their own sources of a similar yet different story. Even though no one had the slightest idea of what the story or the source that reported this story, the nature of the story seemed like it was from a highly credible source. All that remains factual in the scheme of things is that there’s a story and there’s a source. The current off season in NFL and NBA are a major source of the commotion of source stories that are flooding media outlets. Despite some of these sources being factual, most of them are made up and just published to get a rise in views from the general public.

To combat the craziness of source rumors across the board, sources say there have been propositions of hiring sorcerers to truly predict what’s really going on behind the scenes. Sources say they feel threatened as the sorcerers will take away the thrill and excitement of not having an idea what’s going on. Other sources that haven’t been mentioned do claim that this whole story isn’t very resourceful at all, but Lebron James is going to be a New York Knick.

Filed Under: .Headlines, NBA Tagged With: , , , , ,

Cujo a possible suspect in shooting incident at Michael Vick’s party

June 27, 2010 By 1 Comment

yes.. cujo.. i know..

VIRGINIA BEACH – According to an ESPN report, there was a shooting incident outside a nightclub in Virginia Beach on Thursday the 24th. The victim, Quanis Phillips, is known as a friend of Vick’s but has been ordered to not have any association with the Eagles QB since he was released from prison on the dog fighting charges.

According to police, the victim of the violent scuffle was very uncooperative but he did receive medical attention. No one that remained in the club after the shooting claimed to be eyewitnesses but they did mention seeing a dog jet out of the general area where the shooting occured. No one thought much of it to identify the dog, but the police said they have a policy of treating everyone as a suspect.

Police reports were filed and almost every description fit a certain breed of dog which in turn fits a popular dog named Cujo. Cujo’s name came into the picture after authorities learned that he was one of the B list celebrities invited to Vick’s birthday party at the club. The bouncer noticed Cujo and he appeared to be in a calm and playful manner. “He even made jokes about dog-fighting and he didn’t appear to be armed or anything.” Cujo’s friends said he left with them before the shooting occurred and by no means should he be a suspect in this. They also said they will sue if Cujo is even questioned by authorities because they feel this is driven by him being a dog and nothing more.

We tried to reach Cujo for his take on the issue but he just barked at us.

Filed Under: .Headlines, NFL Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Wizards fan gets hit on by gay ex-convicts after doing John Wall dance

June 26, 2010 By Leave a Comment

James Brand looking absolutely fabulous during a John Wall Dance CompetitionWASHINGTON DC – After a local draft party in Washington DC, James Brand, a local custodian at a high school and a huge Wizards fan ended up wishing the night never happened. James, a father of 2 girls, would’ve been the last person to have a down night during a historic event in Wizards franchise history according to his closest friends but after being sabotaged by a couple of ex prisoners just two days out of prison, he considered becoming a Laker fan.

According to eyewitnesses, after John Wall got drafted, James quickly jumped up on the table in the game area and celebrated the draft choice by doing the “John Wall Dance”. The John Wall Dance as many like to call it is simply the act of bouncing back and forth with your upper body while curling your wrist with your fist leaning away from you then quickly rotating the wrist to lean towards you. It’s better viewed by watching videos on youtube like this one.

Some witnesses also admitted that whilst Brand’s rendition of the John Wall dance was a bit on the feminine side, it was still a pretty good impression. “As soon as he got on there, everyone cheered loudly.. the party was bumping! but i noticed the two quiet guys in the back were staring hard at him keeping quiet” said another attendee who requested to remain anonymous. After he got tired of dancing, the two ex prisoners immediately intercepted him on the way off the table and onto the restroom. “They told me to keep dancing, and that they like the way i flick my wrists” said a traumatized Brand during our interview. Brand said he had tried to explain that he wasn’t doing any sort of gay activity but the gay thugs were having none of it. They proceeded to harass him until the police arrived and put them into custody.

Brand in retrospect, agreed the dance does look “kind of gay” and decided to leave Washington DC. “Im sick of that franchise anyway, our greatest accomplishment was getting and old MJ. I’m moving to LA”. The Ex-cons could not be reached for comment but rumors have it that they, along with others in the gay community across the USA have an exceptional liking to the John Wall dance that it’s a hit at numerous gay clubs.

Filed Under: .Headlines, NBA Tagged With: , , , , , ,

God starting to get upset at Maradona for not returning his hand

June 26, 2010 By Leave a Comment
soc_a_maradona_sy_200

Constipated Maradona

SOUTH AFRICA – Argentina has looked tough to beat so far in the world cup and they are starting to become favorites and gaining more trust from even local Argentinians themselves. After a dark cloud of doubt that surrounded their world cup roster their coach Diego Maradona is even demanding an apology for his critics and nay sayers who implied he won’t be able to coach at this level.
Being the devout soccer heads, a lot of Argentinians and other fans around the world have applauded his performance so far and are willing to admit they were wrong initially when it came to their opinions about Maradona as a coach. There was however one significant Argentina fan who begged to differ about his opinion on Maradona’s performance.

“Honestly, I could care less now. I just want my hand back.” said God. Luckily we were able to score an interview this past Saturday with him. God also mentioned that the whole ‘hand of God’ thing was supposed to be a joke at first but after he found out they were playing England, he let Diego borrow it afterall. “Quite frankly, I doubted anyone would find out I lent him my hand. I guess this free will thinking thing has its consequences.” God also went on to explain that Maradona was supposed to downplay the situation but he took it and ran with it and never gave him his hand back. “Now this clown pops out of nowhere and thinks he can coach? He’s just using my hand’s powers! How else do you think they won against Nigeria? and Portugal wasn’t even able to score a goal on them!”

A member of the press asked in return, why couldn’t God just forcibly take his hand back or make it disappear and give a fair game but he shook the area with a thunderous laugh as a reply. God then added that there’s no such thing as a “fair game” when it comes to these world cups. “Haven’t you seen the USA games? I have to keep modifying those games so they’d win. I don’t claim responsibility for those whack ass refs! I have no idea who they are, neither does Lucifer”. He did return to the subject though and mentioned that he’s not a forceful person and he will continue to reach out to Maradona kindly to return his hand.

One last question we had to God was a plea to start world peace, but unfortunately the interview was cut short during that question by his HTC Evo phone ringing. Maradona couldn’t be reached for comment. We did catch him in South Africa but when asked for an interview about God’s hand, he just gave us three middle fingers.

Filed Under: .Headlines, FOOTBALL/SOCCER Tagged With: , , , , ,

Brazilian squad to star in Kim Jong Il’s latest film as payment for only beating PRK 2-1

June 16, 2010 By Leave a Comment

SOUTH AFRICA- The entire 30 man Brazilian squad will have starring roles in North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il’s latest cinema masterpiece. The starring roles were given to the Brazilian team, as payment for giving a humbling performance against North Korea in their 2-1 victory. Many soccer experts had projected a much higher score from the highest rank team in the tournament and many people watching the match may have felt that Brazil had been over rated by the media but a post game press conference by Brazilian coach, Dunga stated that Kim Jong Il offered the team new opportunities within the filming industry which they could not turn down. Current Brazilian star, Robhino believes that his career could mirror Pele’s who starred in the movie ‘Victory’ with this latest development.

Filed Under: .Headlines, FOOTBALL/SOCCER Tagged With: , , , , ,

Honda Motor Company non-cost advertising project in World Cup a success

June 14, 2010 By Leave a Comment

keisuke-honda-25310SOUTH AFRICA – After a 94 minute match that ended with a 1 – 0 victory for Japan over Cameroon, many Japanese nationals breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was their first World Cup victory ever that did not take place in Japan, and they achieved it against one of the titan teams in world cup soccer today. A group who even celebrated harder after the match was the Honda Corporation.

Best known for their cars, Honda the company decided to cut back on finances for advertisements after they learned Japan would be in the World Cup tournament. “It was a risky move for all of us” said Honda-Japan spokesman, Kenji Kawashima. The general plan was to let advertising run its course because Keisuke Honda, a player on the team also shared his last name with the company.

“We knew Keisuke would be a good striker. He shows great speed and great agility when it comes to adversity, just like our cars.” said Kenji. When Keisuke Honda scored the goal, Honda knew their profits would nearly triple. “We just hope he keeps it up in the World Cup, as this would put us over the edge when it comes to advert competition.”

There was further proof this tactic worked when a fan was interviewed after the match. The fan was quoted saying he had no idea what was going on but he got the sudden urge to buy a Honda before he left South Africa.

More Japanese companies are reportedly considering naming players after their company names but there’s little word as to whether it’s been effective. Japan has an upcoming match against Netherlands on June 19th. Stay tuned.

Filed Under: .Headlines, FOOTBALL/SOCCER Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Reversible Celtics/Lakers to be sold at Staples Center

June 14, 2010 By Leave a Comment

jerseysLOS ANGELES – Trailing the finals series 3 to 2, the Lakers find themselves trying to play catchup not only with wins in the series, but with their fans as well. Tops, a popular jersey manufacturing company also needs to play catchup with their client base and their best move was to sell reversible laker-celtic jerseys at the home court.

“This is a win win win situation for us” said the company’s chief manufacturing officer, Tom Brown. “We know alot of people here in Los Angeles like teams that win so this product would make them feel at home.” The concept behind this jersey is that when you put it on, you will either have the green side showing outside along with the Celtics logo or the yellow side showing along with the Laker logo. If the Celtics are winning, you can easily switch your jersey inside out to show everyone you’re a Celtics fan, and you knew it all along.

Some finance critics of the company have warned against this move saying that the product could be labeled as a ‘flip flop’ jersey. “This is neat!” said a local Celtics fan we interviewed at a local LA Sports memorabilia store. “I’ve been a diehard Boston fan all my life, and when i get this jersey, I’ll sure stick it to them Lakerheads this upcoming game.” He declined to comment however, when asked what he would do if Lakers won.

Filed Under: .Headlines, NBA Tagged With: , , , , ,

England to follow diet of 60′s cup winning team

June 10, 2010 By Leave a Comment

englishfoodSOUTH AFRICA- A brief trip to the kitchen of the English national team merely hours before their first game with USA was a starling contrast to the dietary supplements of all the other teams in the tournament this year. England coach Fabio Capello was interviewed by a number of worried British reporters as to why the team had switched from the current healthy diet to a variety of fatty foods. Capello responded with this following assessment ” A lot of pressure has been put on me to win the world cup this year, but the English must realize that they have only one this competition once in about twenty attempts!” Fabio continued ” A lot of study went into how that team won the cup back in the sixty’s and we have replicated the information available as much as humanly possible. First we started with the jersey’s they were like for like and now we are following with a diet plan”. In training the English camp looked quiet sluggish to their normal energetic selves but Capello laughed off all comments stating that ” Wayne Rooney has being using this diet regime since he began playing football so the others should be alright too”.

Filed Under: .Headlines, FOOTBALL/SOCCER Tagged With: , , , , ,

Inspired by Isaac Bruce’s trade, Marc Bulger wants to retire as a ram too

June 10, 2010 By Leave a Comment
MarcBulger2

Bulger during one of his signature moves

ST. LOUIS – After Isaac Bruce’s retirement on Wednesday, June 9th, Marc Bulger expressed gratitude for playing with Bruce. “He’s one of the best players I’ve ever played with in my NFL career, and I believe he’s accomplished enough to be a Hall of Famer” said Bulger during the ceremony.

Marc also expressed that he too would like to join the St. Louis Rams like Bruce did so he can retire as a Ram. Bulger added “I know i played for other teams but it’s here in St. Louis where I established my legacy as an NFL player.” Marc Bulger as a Rams QB amassed a career passer rating of 84.4, and 1,960 completions with 3,171 attempts. He also had a notable 22 interceptions during his 3rd season with the Rams.

Bulger would be most memorable for the interceptions, as several defensive backs mentioned that if it wasn’t for Bulger, they wouldn’t be getting as many accolades as they had been getting. One DB even said, he was grateful for playing the Rams two times a season because his interception totals skyrocketed so much after playing against Bulger that he became a perennial pro-bowler. Some defensive linemen say they thank Bulger for being so indecisive as well, and getting their sack totals up. “Our practice squad QB doesn’t even give us freedom to own him” said an anonymous defensive back.

Bulger was humbled by the outstanding number of compliments he recieved from defenses and fantasy football players as well who had defenses and players that matched up against rams. He added, “I’m glad to be remembered for my impact on the game, I may have disappointed some fans and critics but I know i’ve made more fans of the game happy.”

We’ll keep you posted on whether the Rams will pick up Bulger.

Filed Under: .Headlines, NFL Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
« Older Posts