Local Cleveland man quick to remind everybody that he is actually from Boston

NBA Finals Spurs Cavaliers BasketballCLEVELAND – Following the Cleveland Cavaliers disappointing exit from the 2010 NBA playoffs at the hands of the Boston Celtics, local man and huge Cavaliers and LeBron James fan Mike Mestrick, 28, was quick to point out to all his friends, family, and co-workers that he is actually from Boston. Not long after watching the the Cavaliers lose game 6 at a downtown Cleveland sports bar, Mestrick was witnessed taking off his #23 James throwback jersey and tossing it in a city garbage can. Mestrick, like most douche-bag Boston fans, wants everybody to know that he still supports his hometown team.

“I support the Cavs since I live here, but I gotta stay loyal to Boston, show everybody where I am from, especially if they are winning,” said Mestrick.

Even though he moved to Cleveland when he was four, and spent the majority in his life in the downtown area, Mestrick has no problem abandoning his local teams when a Boston team is doing well.

“You know if one of my hometown teams is winning I gotta get behind them. When the Patriots were in the Super Bowl I had to dust off my Tony Eason jersey that I got for Christmas as a kid, and not let any other Patriots fans know that I am Browns season ticket holder,” explained the transplanted Bostonian. “I just like to root for a winner, everybody knows that in Cleveland that doesn’t ever happen.”

Expect Mestrick to ditch his Indians gear and pull out his old Wade Boggs jersey this fall if Red Sox make a push towards the World Series.

Opposing pitcher falls asleep while facing Mariners

mattgarzaST. PETERSBURG – Ken Griffey Jr. is not the only one falling asleep these days during Mariners games.

On Sunday, Tampa Bay Rays pitcher Matt Garza fell asleep while actually pitching to the Seattle line-up. Facing a line-up that ranks near the bottom in almost every offensive statistical category, Garza managed to pitch to the Mariners while catching a nap in the middle of the game. Garza believes he fell asleep sometime during the second inning, and didn’t wake up until allowing a run to score in the sixth.

“I remember the first inning that is for sure, I was excited for the start of the game,” explained Garza. “However, next thing I know it is the sixth inning, we’re down 1-0, and (catcher) Dioner (Navarro) comes out the the mound telling me to wake up, and that I’ve been sleeping for nearly four innings”

Tampa Bay Manager Joe Maddon was impressed with his performance.

“I’ve seen a few players in my time in this game that I thought were good enough to play this game in their sleep, I didn’t think I’d ever actually see it done, that is simply amazing!”

Seattle players were baffled by Garza’s performance.

“We didn’t want to be rude and wake him up, that wouldn’t be nice. Besides, he was pitching one helluva game.” said catcher Josh Bard. “But Michael Sanders RBI in the sixth inning was a bit loud, and we accidentally woke him up.”

Garza was removed from the game after six innings with his team actually down 1-0, but the Rays were about to mount two late runs for the comeback win.

“I’m glad I didn’t get tagged with the loss in that one,” said Garza. “That may have looked bad.”

Hoping to lead league in arrests, Bengals sign Pacman Jones

Pacman-JonesCINCINNATI – After a down year in amount of arrests, the Cincinnati Bengals have agreed to terms on a two-year contract with troubled cornerback Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones. Since he was drafted in 2005, he has been arrested six times and suspended by the league, making it difficult for him to stay on the field. Cincinnati is hoping that by signing him, they will be able to have more players behind bars than any other team.

“We have an expectation to live up to here in Cincinnati,” said head coach Marvin Lewis. “Fans expect our players to get arrested at least a few times during the year. We hope with the addition of Pacman, we hope that we’ll be able to meet those expectations.”

Cincinnati also signed troubled wide receiver Matt Jones in February, who is still facing a suspension from the NFL after a cocaine possession charge. Late in the 2009 season, they added running back Larry Johnson, who has also had his run-ins with the law since entering the league in 2003. Cedric Benson, another Bengals running back was arrested in 2008 for allegedly boating while intoxicated.

With the addition of Matt Jones and Pacman Jones, to go along with Johnson and Benson, owner Mike Brown is excited about the possibilities, “We’re stoke about the talent we’ve brought in here. Not only can these guys perform, but they’ve got proven track records with the law. Our fans shouldn’t be shocked this season when a few of our guys get arrested.”

The Bengals are hoping to get a head start on the league by having at least one player arrested before they open training camp on July 31.

After perfect game, Dallas Braden upset with teammates for celebrating on mound

97516552JJ004_Tampa_Bay_RayOAKLAND – Despite throwing only the 19th perfect game in Major League history to lead his team to a 4-0 win over the Tampa Bay Rays on Mother’s Day, Oakland Athletics pitcher was upset with his teammates for celebrating on the mound after the final out was recorded.

“That is my mound!” Braden told reporters after the game. “The perfect game is nice and all, but I don’t appreciate how my teammates think they can just come up to my mound and jump around and celebrate on it like they did any work on it.”

In late April, Braden had a dust up with Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez when Rodriguez broke one of baseball’s many unwritten rules by crossing over the dirt portion of the mound on his way back the dugout. At the time he could be seen yelling emphatically, “this is my mound,” at Rodriguez.

“First A-Rod walks over my mound, now my own team has turned on me.” said Braden.

His teammate’s were shocked by his comments.

“We were all so happy just to be part of his perfect game. It is a rare and amazing accomplishment. We didn’t know he’d even get mad at us for celebrating with him after the game,” said third baseman Kevin Kouzmanoff.

It first perfect game in A’s history since ‘Catfish’ Hunter’s masterpiece in 1968.

Change of heart: Raiders keep JaMarcus Russell, move him to guard

Raiders Camp FootballOAKLAND – In an effort to get some kind production out of their 2007 first overall pick, the Oakland Raiders have announced that they will not release JaMarcus Russell and plan to use him at the guard position starting in training camp. With the draft day acquisition of quarterback Jason Campbell, and Russell reporting to the team’s mini-camp at nearly 300 pounds, the team believes that Russell will be able to help teams struggling offensive line.

“His skill set at this time is now better suited for an interior offensive lineman,” said head coach Tom Cable. “His accuracy, and mobility as a quarterback can’t cut it in this league. However, he does have great size and strength that fits well at the guard position.”

Russell finished the 2009 NFL season ranked last among quarterbacks in quarterback rating, touchdowns, passing yards, and completion percentage.

Owner Al Davis is thrilled about the decision.

“When I drafted JaMarcus in 2007 I knew I had selected a player that would be able to vastly improve this team. He gave us three great years at quarterback, now he is being a team player and accepting the position change in order to help our struggling offensive line,” he said.

Russell will challenge current starters Robert Gallery and Cooper Carlisle for a starting spot when training camp opens for Oakland in July.

Eric Byrnes talked out of suicide squeeze attempt by suicide hotline

97758238LB007_SEATTLE_MARINSEATTLE – When Ichiro Suzuki came flying down the line in the bottom of the 11th last Friday night in Seattle, the last thing he expected was batter Eric Byrnes to to take the pitch and pull the bat back in a failed suicide squeeze attempt. During a suicide squeeze attempt, the runner leaves from 3rd base when the pitcher starts his wind-up, and the hitter squares to bunt and tries to but the ball no matter where it is pitched. Failing to put the ball in play will 99% of the time cause the base runner to be out.

Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington was actually ejected from the game for arguing balls and strikes on that play because the pitch was called a ball, and he figured there was no possible way hitter would not offer at the pitch.

After the game, Byrnes announced that he was nervous in the dugout before the at-bat, knowing that his manager Don Wakamatsu was going to ask him to execute a suicide squeeze. Byrnes, who rarely bunts, wasn’t sure how to handle the situation so he got help from a suicide help hotline, who talked him out of the “suicide attempt.”

“He got cold feet,” said Wakamatsu. “We were all set up for the suicide, and at the last second he changes his mind and screws up the whole play. I hope he is happy with his decision, because I’m going to make sure he is not around here any longer.”

Wakamatsu lived up to his word; Byrnes was cut by the Mariners on Sunday night.

Top NFL prospects giving Al Davis rejection phone number

Al DavisNEW YORK – In a move typically saved for girls to avoid giving a guy her real phone number, some rookies in this year’s NFL draft are giving Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis a phone number that lets the caller know that they are not interested. This way, if Davis attempts to call them on draft day, and automated recording will let him know that they are not interested in playing for him, and do not want him to have their real contact information.

Former Oklahoma State wide receiver Dez Bryant is credited with first pulling off the move, fearing that he is one of Davis’ favorite prospects.

“Let’s be honest,” said Bryant, “We all know ol’ Al loves him some speedy wide receivers. I don’t want to immediately ruin my career by starting with the Raiders, so I thought it’d be funny to give him the rejection number so he can’t call me on draft day.”

Eric Berry, former Tennessee stand out defensive back, quickly followed Bryant’s lead.

“When I heard about what Dez did, I thought it was a fantastic idea. I was worried that Al would realize it was the same number, but his ancient ass had no clue.”

Oakland Raiders management is working on getting a phone with large keys, so Davis can attempt to contact his sections on draft day.

Sharks already living up to expectation of blowing it in the playoffs

DENVER – Colorado Avalanche center Ryan O’Reilly was credited with the game winning overtime goal 51 seconds into overtime to take a 2-1 lead series lead over the visiting San Jose Sharks. O’Reilly was the last Avalanche player to touch the puck before Sharks defenseman Dan Boyle appeared to shoot it into his own net. San Jose, who could not get a goal after 51 shots against Colorado goalie Craig Anderson, decided to put one past their own goalie, Evgeni Nabokov, to end the game. Just three games in, San Jose is looking again like the team that so often gets eliminated early in the playoffs.

Boyle was bitterly disappointed in himself after the game.

“I’m just anxious to collect my bet,” said the Canadian-born defenseman. “San Jose, even before I got here, is a guarantee to get knocked out early every season. Its easy money to bet against us.”

San Jose has finished either first or second each of the past five seasons, but failed each time to make it past the conference semifinals.

“San Jose is a great hockey down with a great tradition,” team captain Joe Thornton explained, “We don’t want our fans to realize that the regular season isn’t that important, and have them expect us to win in the playoffs.”

San Jose will look to get one game closer to the off-season when they take on Colorado again on Tuesday night.

Jerry Jones upset that Wade Phillips wasn’t inside during Texas Stadium implosion

jonesphillipsegIRVING, Tx – Fans lined the fences a safe distance away from Texas Stadium last Sunday as they gathered to say good-bye to the stadium that housed the Dallas Cowboys for 38 years. Seeing the stadium that so many went to watch their beloved Cowboys play at for almost four decades reduced to dust even brought out tears from some fans. More emotional than anybody was Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who was disappointed to learn that head coach Wade Phillips was not inside the stadium as it was brought down.

“I’ve been regretting that decision to give him extension since he signed it,” said Jones, who awarded Phillips with a contract extension through the 2011 season. “I told him to meet me at Texas Stadium today to pick up some final things, and i figured that fat dope would fall for it.”

After leading the Cowboys to disappointing seasons since 2007, critics questioned the decision to re-sign the head coach who has only one playoff win in his coaching career.

“I don’t know what I’ll try next,” questioned Jones. “Maybe I’ll just send him dozens of Krispy-Kremes until he has a heart attack. Heck, Maybe I’ll even blow up our new stadium if we don’t win a Super Bowl this year! That should send a message!”

Jerry Jones is hoping that the threat of blowing up his new stadium that cost over $1 billion to build, will get Wade Phillips to find a way to win a Super Bowl.

Jones, who was visually upset, then got in his Escalade, slammed the door and sped off.

College girls participating in some sort of sporting tournament

College women attempting to jump

College women attempting to jump

SAN ANTONIO – Women from 64 colleges across the nation have been seen participating in some sort of tournament that seems to require athletic ability. At first, it appeared it was just another college beer pong tournament, seeing the girls stand stationary and throw a ball into a target, one could easily get confused. However, they claim to be playing basketball. To the untrained eye it is difficult to tell since there is barely any jumping and way too much passing, but they do in fact use a basketball and shoot it through a basket.

“We train all year to make it to this tournament and have a shot at becoming National Champion,” said Connecticut’s head coach Geno Auriemma. “These young women take this game serious, and want to be Champions more than anything else.” Auriemma’s team has won 74 straight games.

Still, Connecticut rarely gets any national attention, due to the boring style of play in the woman’s game.

The sport’s phenom is Baylor freshman Brittney Griner. Unheard of to most people, but the 19 year old, stands at 6’8″ and dominates the women’s game. Despite her dominance of the game, she is best known for a punch she threw in a game in March that got her thrown out of the game, which is still the single greatest moment of this season. She towers over the rest of the women, even dunking like the men do, while the other women struggle to reach up to her.

There are fans of the woman’s game in this country who take this event very seriously, even though at times it is difficult remember what they are watching. The 64-team tournament concludes this season in San Antonio, TX, where a national champion will be crowned.