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Twins accidentally sign Mauer to eight-year, $184 million extension

March 29, 2010 By Leave a Comment
Minnesota's newest millionaire

Minnesota's newest millionaire

FORT MEYERS, Fla – The Minnesota Twins have signed all-star catcher and 2009 American League MVP Joe Mauer to an extension worth $184 million over the next eight years. Joe Mauer jumped all over the opportunity to sign the contract as he was elated to be able to stay with his home town team for the long term. The Twins however, were not so pleased when they discovered the amount they were going to have to pay him. Minnesota, who have never been big spenders, looked on in shock when they saw the contract read $184 million, instead of the $18.4 million that they had intended.

“I’m so happy that I’ll be able to stay home and play for the team that I grew up rooting for,” said the newest multimillionaire catcher. “I thought for sure when I saw the numbers on the contract that I was signing up to play for the Yankees.”

The New York Yankees typically are willing to shell out that kind of money for any of the top players in the game to come join their squad. Mauer could not believe what he was seeing when he saw that it was actually the Twins offering him the contract.

Twins management, while glad to have Mauer and his skills around for the next eight years, did not mean to pay him that much money.

Owner Jim Pohlad bellowed, “We meant $18.4 million! Somebody put the decimal in wrong place! We are the Twins, not the Yankees! We do not spend that kind of money!”

Joe Mauer becomes the third highest paid player in baseball. Only Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter, both Yankees, have signed deals worth more than Mauer’s $184 million.

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Overtime Rule Change

March 23, 2010 By 2 Comments

Manning walks off the field after an overtime loss

Manning walks off the field after an overtime loss


It is disappointing to see the NFL give in and change the sudden death overtime rule. I always liked and thought it was unique that the NFL was the only football league at any level willing to end the game the first time a team scores. The change gives both teams opportunity to posses the ball, as long as a touchdown is not scored on the opening drive. If a defense can’t stop a team from scoring when it absolutely has to, they don’t deserve to win.

The weird thing about this change is that for now at least, it that the rule change only applies to playoff games. I guess that is what happens with league darlings like Peyton Manning and Brett Favre fail to win playoff games in overtime. Owners will meet again in may to decide whether or not to adopt the change for the regular season.

If the rule is going to be changed, it needs to be changed for the entire season, not just the playoffs. The NHL has a different overtime system in the playoffs than in the regular season, but that is only because they know that playoff games shouldn’t be decided in a best of three shoot out.

Football is already a tough and exhausting enough game to play for 60 minutes, extending the overtime periods could deteriorate the quality of play, and increase the risk of injury to the players.

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Ron Washington seen snorting 3rd base line

March 22, 2010 By Leave a Comment
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Ron at 4am in the morning

GLENDALE, AZ- Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington was spotted last week, on his hands and knees with his face buried in the third base line at the team’s spring facility, attempting to inhale the fair/foul line. Washington, who tested positive for cocaine in the summer of 2009 in a random MLB drug test, apparently thought the base lines would give him the same high. The base lines however, are just chalk, which Washington tried to snort anyway.

“We tried to stop him,” said second baseman Ian Kinsler. “He is just a fiend, he’ll try anything that is a white powder. I saw him even try the rosin bag once.”

Washington has been seen wandering through Camelback Ranch at odd hours of the day and night looking to get his fix. One janitor even claims he saw him pick up a bag of flour from the teams cafeteria and try to snort that.

The Rangers are hoping they can get Washington the help that he needs, but still plan to keep him as the teams manager throughout the 2010 season.

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Nationals pitcher Strasburg sent to minors to give MLB hitters a chance

March 22, 2010 By Leave a Comment

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VIERA, Fla- After striking out most of the Washington Nationals hitters during intrasquad scrimmages this spring, the team has sent their top pick, and top pitching prospect Stephen Strasburg to Double-A Harrisburg to start the season. Washington feared that with Strasburg dominating against his own team, the Nationals hitters would not get a chance to work on their mechanics before the season started. The team struggled offensively in 2009, and is hoping to improve on that in 2010.

“We had no choice but to get him out of here for now,” said Nationals GM Mike Rizzo. “He is is only 21 and has no professional experience. Do you know how much of an embarrassment that is to our hitters who cannot make contact against him?”

The Nationals weren’t the only team happy to see him leave major league game either. After striking out eight Detroit Tigers hitters in only four innings last week, Detroit manager Jim Leyland said, “It is just not fair to use him in spring. No hitters will be able to gain any confidence this spring if he just shuts them down.”

With the lack of talent on Nationals squad, expect Strasburg to be back with the Nationals within the first 2 months of the season.

Filed Under: .Headlines, MLB Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

NHL considering imposing 15-yard personal foul penalty for head shots

March 22, 2010 By 1 Comment

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TORONTO- After working together with the NFL on how to cut down the number of head shots in the NHL, the league is considering following the NFL’s model, and imposing 15-yard personal foul penalties on players who deliver deliberate blows to the head. Head shots have been increasing at an alarming rate in the NHL, and the league is looking at all options on how to eradicate them from the game. The NHL has taken notice that in the NFL, shots to the head decreased significantly after the automatic personal foul penalty for such hits was instituted.

“We are looking at all our options,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. “We’ve taken notice at what the NFL has done, and we’d like to follow their lead in order to stop the number of concussions happening in the game. We really like the way they use the 15-yard personal foul penalty, and are hoping we will be able to find a way to do the exact same thing.”

When asked how he plans on enforcing a yardage penalty in a sport that isn’t measure in yards and has no distance markers, the commissioner just reiterated that it is important to find a way to stop blows to the head, and that the league is willing to do anything to stop them from happening.

Filed Under: .Headlines, NHL Tagged With: , , , ,

Clausen not so thrilled about NFL after hearing Kiper’s prediction

March 15, 2010 By Leave a Comment

jimmy-clausenSOUTH BEND, Ind- Notre Dame quarterback and projected top 5 pick in the 2010 NFL Draft, Jimmy Clausen, is no longer eager to begin his professional career. After seeing draft guru Mel Kiper’s projection of him, Clausen does not even believe in himself and his ability to compete in the NFL. Kiper marked down Clausen for weak arm strength and low accuracy.

“The man has been doing nothing but draft analysis for years,” the second team All-American said of Kiper, “he is probably never ever wrong. He marked me down and I doubt there is anything I can do to improve my skill level to impress him.”

NFL teams are now wary of Clausen too. One NFL scout said, “if the kid doesn’t even believe in himself, how does he expect any team to draft him?” A team is not going to want a quarterback who is not capable of leading the team.

Still, Clausen is expected to be one of the first 3 quarterbacks chosen in the April draft.

Filed Under: .Headlines, NFL Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Report: Sidney Crosby detained by U.S. authorities

March 8, 2010 By Leave a Comment

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PITTSBURGH- Sources are reporting that after scoring the game winning goal in overtime last Sunday in Canada’s 3-2 overtime triumph over the United States in the gold medal Olympic hockey game, the Pittsburgh Penguins superstar was held up by TSA agents who considered not letting him back in to the country. In the most watched hockey game since 1980, Americans tuned in only to see their hopes of a gold medal dashed by Canada’s favorite son. When his return flight from Vancouver to Pittsburgh landed, TSA agents immediately boarded the plane and apprehended Crosby. TSA agents were under the impression that since he beat the United States, he must have been some sort of threat to the country. For a short time, Crosby was held up by security who did not think he should be allowed back. After explaining his role on the Penguins, agents decided he was no threat to the country.

Filed Under: .Headlines, NHL, Olympics Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Declining rate of positive drug tests proving baseball is boring

March 8, 2010 By Leave a Comment

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PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla- At spring training facilities in Florida and Arizona, fans are grumbling about the lack ofexcitement in this season’s early games. Since Major League Baseball instituted its newest drug policy in 2006, the game has become uninteresting and more boring. With 50 game, 100 game, and lifetime bans awaiting players who test positive for anabolic steroids or HGH, the rate of positive tests is rapidly declining, and putting most fans to sleep around the fifth inning. Fans are not as excited for baseball games when there is no 6-5 270 lb behemoth launching home runs 500 feet.

“We all want to see the home runs,” said Joel Hinder of Flushing, NY. The long time Mets fan is disappointed in what the game has become. “Strategy?” asked Hinder, “who wants to see teams manufacture themselves one single run with sac flies and bunts when there used to buy guys who would get up and just blast the ball over the wall?”

While players and managers today may like the dedication and hard work it takes to make it to the the show, fans are more interesting in athletes who inject themselves with illegal substances to enhance their performance.

“I miss having the pitcher out there who could bring it over 100 mph on every pitch, and if he broke your bat, he wasn’t afraid to pick up the broken part and chuck it right back at you,” said die-hard Mets fan and Hempstead native Mikey Southwick, describing and act that accused steroid user Roger Clemens once did in a game.

Its much more exciting not only when players are blasting home runs, but the threat of a ‘roid rage is prevalent at any time.

Fans can only hope that MLB will relax on its drug policy in 2010, and allow players to due whatever it takes to turn the sport into the great game it once was.

Filed Under: .Headlines, MLB Tagged With: , , , , ,

Ochocinco hoping DWTS floor is shaped like end zone

March 8, 2010 By Leave a Comment

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HOLLYWOOD- Chad Ochocinco will finally be able to dance without getting fined by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. That is because the Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver is the newest addition to the tenth season of the hit series of Dancing with the Stars. However, Ochocinco, who is known for his flamboyant and entertaining touchdown celebrations in end zones across NFL stadiums, is worried that he will not be able to do the same thing on an actual dance floor. The outspoken Pro-Bowler is hoping they’ll accommodate him by shaping the dance floor like a football end zone.

“They need to make the damn thing shaped like an end zone,” said Ochocinco. “That way I guarantee I’ll win it. You’ve all seen how I do after a touchdown, just imagine what I can do when I don’t have to worry about fines and got a beautiful dance partner next to me.”

Ochocinco certainly knows how to celebrate a touchdown. The entertaining and energetic receiver never takes himself too seriously and always looks like he is enjoying playing football. He is hoping that with a grass dance floor, that will give him the edge he needs to win the show.

Currently the producers have no plans to modify the floor for him, saying that it would be unfair to the other contestants if they were forced to dance on grass.

Filed Under: .Headlines, NFL Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Trojan to sponsor Tiger Woods

February 22, 2010 By Leave a Comment

PONTE VEDRA BEACH- Following Tiger Woods’ apology speech on Friday, Trojan announced it will sponsor Tiger Woods and support him in his comeback to the PGA Tour. The United States’ leading manufacturer in condoms produces over 70% of condoms purchased in the country. It hopes that with Tiger as it’s spokesman, Trojan will be able to get unfaithful men across the world to use their product.

“It is with great pleasure that I can announce Tiger Woods as our newest spokesman,” said Trojan president Derek McMurphy. “With him on board with us, mistresses everywhere can seek out high profile athletes without any worries.” McMurphy also mentioned that he hopes that in addition to Woods, he also hopes that Trojan can one day sponsor a major PGA event.

The PGA Tour is upset with the move, however since Woods is not in actual competition right now, they have no say over what sponsors he signs with.

Woods, who also was excited about the announcement said, “now I won’t have to worry about any of these slutty women giving me and STD or trying to be my baby’s mama.” He added that with Trojan behind him he’ll be able to focus on keeping his mistresses hushed, which will let him concentrate on his golf game.

It is the first athlete sponsorship of any kind for Trojan.

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