Constipated Maradona

SOUTH AFRICA – Argentina has looked tough to beat so far in the world cup and they are starting to become favorites and gaining more trust from even local Argentinians themselves. After a dark cloud of doubt that surrounded their world cup roster their coach Diego Maradona is even demanding an apology for his critics and nay sayers who implied he won’t be able to coach at this level.
Being the devout soccer heads, a lot of Argentinians and other fans around the world have applauded his performance so far and are willing to admit they were wrong initially when it came to their opinions about Maradona as a coach. There was however one significant Argentina fan who begged to differ about his opinion on Maradona’s performance.

“Honestly, I could care less now. I just want my hand back.” said God. Luckily we were able to score an interview this past Saturday with him. God also mentioned that the whole ‘hand of God’ thing was supposed to be a joke at first but after he found out they were playing England, he let Diego borrow it afterall. “Quite frankly, I doubted anyone would find out I lent him my hand. I guess this free will thinking thing has its consequences.” God also went on to explain that Maradona was supposed to downplay the situation but he took it and ran with it and never gave him his hand back. “Now this clown pops out of nowhere and thinks he can coach? He’s just using my hand’s powers! How else do you think they won against Nigeria? and Portugal wasn’t even able to score a goal on them!”

A member of the press asked in return, why couldn’t God just forcibly take his hand back or make it disappear and give a fair game but he shook the area with a thunderous laugh as a reply. God then added that there’s no such thing as a “fair game” when it comes to these world cups. “Haven’t you seen the USA games? I have to keep modifying those games so they’d win. I don’t claim responsibility for those whack ass refs! I have no idea who they are, neither does Lucifer”. He did return to the subject though and mentioned that he’s not a forceful person and he will continue to reach out to Maradona kindly to return his hand.

One last question we had to God was a plea to start world peace, but unfortunately the interview was cut short during that question by his HTC Evo phone ringing. Maradona couldn’t be reached for comment. We did catch him in South Africa but when asked for an interview about God’s hand, he just gave us three middle fingers.

SOUTH AFRICA- The entire 30 man Brazilian squad will have starring roles in North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il’s latest cinema masterpiece. The starring roles were given to the Brazilian team, as payment for giving a humbling performance against North Korea in their 2-1 victory. Many soccer experts had projected a much higher score from the highest rank team in the tournament and many people watching the match may have felt that Brazil had been over rated by the media but a post game press conference by Brazilian coach, Dunga stated that Kim Jong Il offered the team new opportunities within the filming industry which they could not turn down. Current Brazilian star, Robhino believes that his career could mirror Pele’s who starred in the movie ‘Victory’ with this latest development.

SOUTH AFRICA – After a 94 minute match that ended with a 1 – 0 victory for Japan over Cameroon, many Japanese nationals breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was their first World Cup victory ever that did not take place in Japan, and they achieved it against one of the titan teams in world cup soccer today. A group who even celebrated harder after the match was the Honda Corporation.

Best known for their cars, Honda the company decided to cut back on finances for advertisements after they learned Japan would be in the World Cup tournament. “It was a risky move for all of us” said Honda-Japan spokesman, Kenji Kawashima. The general plan was to let advertising run its course because Keisuke Honda, a player on the team also shared his last name with the company.

“We knew Keisuke would be a good striker. He shows great speed and great agility when it comes to adversity, just like our cars.” said Kenji. When Keisuke Honda scored the goal, Honda knew their profits would nearly triple. “We just hope he keeps it up in the World Cup, as this would put us over the edge when it comes to advert competition.”

There was further proof this tactic worked when a fan was interviewed after the match. The fan was quoted saying he had no idea what was going on but he got the sudden urge to buy a Honda before he left South Africa.

More Japanese companies are reportedly considering naming players after their company names but there’s little word as to whether it’s been effective. Japan has an upcoming match against Netherlands on June 19th. Stay tuned.

The second part of our story ended yesterday in Wemebly where poverty stricken and last place relegated side Portsmouth battled Premier League champions Chelsea, in a first versus last F.A. cup final and just when you thought they might do it by being given a penalty kick they end up missing.

Both teams managers where in awe as if it was some sick prank, all the other teams in the competition’s had played on them had come into effect. Roy Hodgson was last seen physically shaken as he received his sliver medal and had to be restrained by security as he tried to strangle Michel Plantini.

“We at Adidas, believe that the customer is always right, and we wouldnt be where we are today without them.” said the spokesman as he brought out a new prototype ball released by Adidas. “This will be our new ball, there’s more control, less painful on the feet, and it just feels so darn good you’d wanna play without shoes on” he added.

Many players couldnt’ believe what they just heard and thought it was a joke. The Adidas spokesman however never cracked a smile, which makes him look as serious as possible. This was sudden news to alot of the players but they couldnt’ gather their thoughts together and make a formal agreement to be heard due to their inability to understand each other’s languages.

When they get a universal translator to decipher what they all think, we will cover more on this story.

One of the many fans who had vacated his seat at this time John Sheffield a local carpenter, initially thought he was watching a Aston Villa Match but after realizing it was in fact Burnley he left immediately. ” That was quiet disturbing to watch” said the horrified Burnley native ” I can’t believe this town is actually allowed to have a football team”.