LIVERPOOL- Manchester City
Ref sends Manchini & Moyes to the corner to think about what they
March 29, 2010 By Leave a Comment
Nemanja Vidic continues preparation for UFC debut
March 29, 2010 By 1 Comment
MANCHESTER- Manchester United defender & avid fan of the street fighter franchise, Nemanja Vidic has been on a rigorous training regime for the past 8 months as seen by occasional acts of violence and disregard for human life during the United games he has participated in this past year and just recently during United
Inter Milan wall to be used in construction of new government building
March 22, 2010 By Leave a Comment
MILAN- After being so impressed by Internazionale defense with set pieces, Milan mayor Letizia Moratti has commissioned them to be apart of a new government building being created for the department of finance. “After watching watching how they were able to keep anything from passing them and going into the goal during both the Serie A & Champions League campaigns, the Milano government have agreed that along with a consortium of marble & concrete, they will be located at the front of the new deluxe complex”. ” We here in Italy only accept the best materials for purchase and the Italian government believe that this will be seen as a wise investment in future years as Italian defenses are notorious for aging graceful and lasting well longer than other European counterparts.”
The four defenders chosen were Javier Zanetti,Lucio,Macro Materazzi & Walter Samuel. When asked how they felt with spending their rest of their lives being part of a wall, all four unanimously agreed that what the Italian government were proposing was unethical but their pleas fell on deaf ears as they were escorted out of the San Siro and into a government facility where they were frozen in carbonate. Below is a rough representation of how we expect the players to look.
Rafa states he will stay off the pies for the latest promise that he won
March 22, 2010 By Leave a Comment
LIVERPOOL- Liverpool manager and lover off steak and kidney pies Rafa Benitez has promised to stay away from the beef filled pastry dish. This promise came moments after he also stated that Fernando Torres would not be sold this summer
These are not the first promises from the Spaniard this season. Half way through the Christmas & new years schedule Benitez exclaimed that Liverpool would finish within a champions league spot which is looking less and less likely as the scousers have hit a rough patch for the past number of weeks and pretty much the entire season.
Bentiez stated that he would put is career on the line with these promises even though the chances of them happening are becoming slimmer specifically the latest promise about pies. Although not a fan of British culture, Rafa is fond of the odd steak & kidney pie from time to time and has been known to cancel or cut training sessions short in order to pop down to the local food provider outside Anfield. This could be the main reason by Liverpool
David Beckham tears achilles tendon; Americans relieved his face is ok.
March 15, 2010 By Leave a Comment
FINLAND- David Beckham is currently undergoing surgery in Finland for his achilles tendon. Due to a stress reaction from playing soccer in the final minutes of a Sunday game, Beckham was seen clutching his heel in agony, later on, fans saw it was a serious injury and it appeared his achilles tendon was torn.
Every Beckham fan and friend alike, was living a nightmare at that moment. “It’s just bad timing on everything, I mean the world cup is coming up. I know there’s alot of disappointed fans out there too.” said a frustrated Beckham. John Wooden, Beckham’s North American public relations officer, however said his american fan counterparts, have been singing a different tune.
Several interviews conducted around LA and Chicago, two of the MLS’ major franchised cities, showed a different reaction from fans to the injury. A decked out LA Galaxy fan was told of the injury and his response was a sigh of relief after he asked if his face had been damaged. “Really, I don’t watch soccer. All our teams in this city suck, and no.. dont’ bring up the LA Dodgers because baseball sucks.. I just think David Beckham’s cute.. you know.. in a guy kinda way..”
Another fan out of Chicago, had to be reminded who Beckham was again. “lol.. i thought it was a beer!” she said. Our interviewer corrected her by saying, “No Ma’am, that’s Becks” She then went on to rant about how Beckham’s looks can help market Becks beer but at that point we just nodded our heads silently in disappointment.
Some other fans we interviewed just hoped he’d be able to do movies more underwear commercials. “That soccer thing is just to keep him busy, I didn’t think one could get injured from that boring sport” commented one of them out of a crowd.
Serie A trying to clean up Italian league by getting rid of all Italian players
March 8, 2010 By Leave a Comment
ROME- Serie A board member Marcloni held a press conference Sunday about the new initiatives the league is implementing to change the image global fans perceive it has over the past number of years, after countless scandals including bribery and match fixing.
BBC replace pundits with monkeys, audience doesn’t realise the difference
March 2, 2010 By 2 Comments
WEMBLY- A minority of fans watching BBC’s live coverage of yesterday’s Carling Cup final between Manchester United and Aston Villa were puzzled at the different standards produced from the lead up to the big game testifying that it was much better than the usual boredom they come out with, Mark Sexton a Villa fan from Brimingham had this to say” Yea it was much better than normal can’t quite put my finger on it but i ROFL’ed when Gary Lineker through feces at Alan Shearer.” Most fans that watch the age old program Match of the Day are used to the commentary team of Gary Lineker, Mark Lawerenson and Alan Shearer, with Lineker directing the traffic while Lawerenson gives his insight followed by Sherear agreeing with exactly what lawerenson said but todays game was much more livelier and more on par with an episode of Jerry Springer than the graveyard shift normally produced.
- Caupchin Monkey
Gary Lineker
A sly poll conducted by the BBC directly after the medal and trophy presentation found that the majority of the audience didn’t even realise that the cast and crew and been replaced by White headed Capuchin monkeys, Only a shocking 12.6% noticed a difference and those that did merely said that it was more lively, none commenting on the fact that there were monkeys on the set.
Only one man in the whole stadium who noticed seemed to be Aston Villa penalty taker James Milner, judging by his celebration we here at ROFLJOCK most certainly hope this is the case and he in fact is not retarded.
Bridge quits England team after being told he still wont be number 1 choice even with ashley cole injured
March 2, 2010 By 4 Comments
MANCHESTER- Wayne Bridge quit international football on Friday after being told he still isn’t good enough to be left back even with ashley coles injury. Many press and media outlets have being spreading false information and stating that the reason behind Bridges departure is because of the Terry affair but after having a one on one talk with England manager Fabio Capello, he was told that he still wouldn’t be number 1 choice even with his main competiton for the spot out injured.
After seeing that the press was misinforming the public Capello was compelled to come out today while at wembley watching the carling cup final Capello exclaimed ” No it has nothing to do with John Terry or anything like that, it’s because he still isn’t my number 1 choice he had a hissy fit and went and quit the team.” Capello continued ” I told him you’ll always be the best number 2 left back in the country but you’ll never be good enough to be number 1, Hell i’d put Titus Bramble there before Wayne Bridge”
It is believed that with reality TV at its highest, Capello will hold public auditions for Bridges place in the England squad suggesting that the local fat guy at the pub will provide more support from the bench than Wayne Bridge angry face ever has”
Real Ronaldo sets retirement death for 2011 to coincide with 2012 apocalypse
March 2, 2010 By 1 Comment
this ronaldo
not this ronaldo
SAO PAULO- Brazilian striker and first claimer to the name Ronaldo has signed a final two year contract with corinthians in prepartion for the 2012 mayan prediction of an apacolpyes.. “After hearing all these stories about how the world is going to end in 2012 i wanted to end my footballing career a couple of months before the apocalypse to give me time to prepare for the afterlife”. Ronaldo will go down in history as being one of the greatest players of his generation and also having one of the worst and least trendest haircuts ever for a professional athlete.
Ronaldo’s career has not always been rosey though, Starting out as one of the hottest young prospect to come from a country that has produced as many great football players as it has hot women, Ronaldo went on to win plaudits and countless awards as he lived up to his potential but by the end of the 90′s and the beginning of the new millenium, Ronaldo quit from soccer to concentrate on his passionate hobby, pie-eating. “I got alot of stick about quitting football to become a professional pie eater but what the heart wants, the heart wants.” “plus i was able to come out of retirement and play again and now look everyone is doing it” We believe that Ronaldo was commenting on his fellow countryman Adrinho who also pulled of a similarly miraciolous feet.
Ronaldo did indeed come back to the world of football and his addiction to pies seemed to fade as the financial rembursments he recieved in Brazil where remarkably lower than in Europe and therefore unable to afford to feed his addiction.
The story of Ronaldo’s career is apparently being made into a feature film with Craig Charles set to star. Ronaldo’s career will be remembered for both good and bad reasons but at the end of the day ROFLJOCK salutes his storrid??? career.
Ashley Cole caught with pictures of United players on his phone
February 22, 2010 By Leave a Comment
LONDON- Carlo Ancelotti was unavailable for comment this morning after pictures of Manchester United players were found on Ashley Cole
