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Minor leaguers upset by newest helmet styles not matching their purses

May 31, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Schutt air7 baseball helmetSYRACUSE – After a Saturday afternoon game, the Norfolk Tides had a team meeting regarding not only the game they lost but the elmets that they’ve been required wear due to a recent league-wide mandate. For starters, league office has passed a decision to enforce safety from concussions by requiring players to wear a larger version of the helmets they wear now.

Several players not only on the Tides but across the league and onto the MLB has stressed that it doesn’t make them feel comfortable when they look in the mirror. Some who chose not to be named have complained that it lowers their self esteem and makes them feel like little guys again.

The commissioner of the league has called the complaints ridiculous and has stressed that safety is much more of a higher priority than what you look like when batting. He declined to comment more on the negativity around the league regarding the new helmets although he did mention that Turner’s comments about the helmets disturbed him. Turner of the Norfolk Tides commented the style of the batting helmet is incompatible with his favorite purse. “If I’m going to be televised, I want to look my best out there” said Turner.

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Opposing pitcher falls asleep while facing Mariners

May 31, 2010 By Leave a Comment

mattgarzaST. PETERSBURG – Ken Griffey Jr. is not the only one falling asleep these days during Mariners games.

On Sunday, Tampa Bay Rays pitcher Matt Garza fell asleep while actually pitching to the Seattle line-up. Facing a line-up that ranks near the bottom in almost every offensive statistical category, Garza managed to pitch to the Mariners while catching a nap in the middle of the game. Garza believes he fell asleep sometime during the second inning, and didn’t wake up until allowing a run to score in the sixth.

“I remember the first inning that is for sure, I was excited for the start of the game,” explained Garza. “However, next thing I know it is the sixth inning, we’re down 1-0, and (catcher) Dioner (Navarro) comes out the the mound telling me to wake up, and that I’ve been sleeping for nearly four innings”

Tampa Bay Manager Joe Maddon was impressed with his performance.

“I’ve seen a few players in my time in this game that I thought were good enough to play this game in their sleep, I didn’t think I’d ever actually see it done, that is simply amazing!”

Seattle players were baffled by Garza’s performance.

“We didn’t want to be rude and wake him up, that wouldn’t be nice. Besides, he was pitching one helluva game.” said catcher Josh Bard. “But Michael Sanders RBI in the sixth inning was a bit loud, and we accidentally woke him up.”

Garza was removed from the game after six innings with his team actually down 1-0, but the Rays were about to mount two late runs for the comeback win.

“I’m glad I didn’t get tagged with the loss in that one,” said Garza. “That may have looked bad.”

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After perfect game, Dallas Braden upset with teammates for celebrating on mound

May 10, 2010 By Leave a Comment

97516552JJ004_Tampa_Bay_RayOAKLAND – Despite throwing only the 19th perfect game in Major League history to lead his team to a 4-0 win over the Tampa Bay Rays on Mother’s Day, Oakland Athletics pitcher was upset with his teammates for celebrating on the mound after the final out was recorded.

“That is my mound!” Braden told reporters after the game. “The perfect game is nice and all, but I don’t appreciate how my teammates think they can just come up to my mound and jump around and celebrate on it like they did any work on it.”

In late April, Braden had a dust up with Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez when Rodriguez broke one of baseball’s many unwritten rules by crossing over the dirt portion of the mound on his way back the dugout. At the time he could be seen yelling emphatically, “this is my mound,” at Rodriguez.

“First A-Rod walks over my mound, now my own team has turned on me.” said Braden.

His teammate’s were shocked by his comments.

“We were all so happy just to be part of his perfect game. It is a rare and amazing accomplishment. We didn’t know he’d even get mad at us for celebrating with him after the game,” said third baseman Kevin Kouzmanoff.

It first perfect game in A’s history since ‘Catfish’ Hunter’s masterpiece in 1968.

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Radio chatter of plans to run on baseball field intercepted by local security intelligence

May 10, 2010 By Leave a Comment

taserST2006_468x342PHILADELPHIA – Latest news reports have featured a Phillies fan getting tased by stadium security and another getting subdued after they both ran on the field during a baseball game.

Critics across the states have been harsh on the violence executed by the police department by the tasing, deeming it unnecessary because the fan wasn’t armed. The police chief hasn’t let up on his stance though, saying the officer did everything withing the rule book and didn’t violate any code nor cross the line by tasing the fan. Infact, he has even boasted that they’ve stepped up efforts lately with their security at the stadium, calling them a ‘top of the line’ staff.

He then played some radio chatter for us that was intercepted before last nights game. It was a cell phone call between another kid and his dad asking him if it was OK for him to run across the field. “Our agents identified the kid before the game started and detained him immediately.” The security has clearly taken a no nonsense approach to protecting the players from the fans. There are snipers perched across the top of the stadium now and they will be there each game for the remainder of the season. Their contracts though only lasts until August, which we found kind of odd, as if the Phillies don’t plan to have any games during the post season.

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Eric Byrnes talked out of suicide squeeze attempt by suicide hotline

May 4, 2010 By Leave a Comment

97758238LB007_SEATTLE_MARINSEATTLE – When Ichiro Suzuki came flying down the line in the bottom of the 11th last Friday night in Seattle, the last thing he expected was batter Eric Byrnes to to take the pitch and pull the bat back in a failed suicide squeeze attempt. During a suicide squeeze attempt, the runner leaves from 3rd base when the pitcher starts his wind-up, and the hitter squares to bunt and tries to but the ball no matter where it is pitched. Failing to put the ball in play will 99% of the time cause the base runner to be out.

Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington was actually ejected from the game for arguing balls and strikes on that play because the pitch was called a ball, and he figured there was no possible way hitter would not offer at the pitch.

After the game, Byrnes announced that he was nervous in the dugout before the at-bat, knowing that his manager Don Wakamatsu was going to ask him to execute a suicide squeeze. Byrnes, who rarely bunts, wasn’t sure how to handle the situation so he got help from a suicide help hotline, who talked him out of the “suicide attempt.”

“He got cold feet,” said Wakamatsu. “We were all set up for the suicide, and at the last second he changes his mind and screws up the whole play. I hope he is happy with his decision, because I’m going to make sure he is not around here any longer.”

Wakamatsu lived up to his word; Byrnes was cut by the Mariners on Sunday night.

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After opening day loss, Yankees to consider rebuilding

April 5, 2010 By Leave a Comment

yankeesBOSTON – It couldn’t get anyworse for Yankees fans at Fenway park after the Yankees took 9-7 loss. They saw their favorite team crumble right before their very eyes.
After a successful previous season, many had the Yankees repeating their run again as they still have a healthy and fearsome squad lined up this season. However, after last night, some Yankees fans and staff, felt it was over for them.
“We have the best team in the league! and we still lost!” said an unidentified screamer from the seats. Yankee Pitcher, C.C Sabathia couldn’t take the heat of pitching against the red sox and was clearly exhausted halfway into the game. Yankee fans were bothered by the sight of it all and wished their star pitcher would lose weight. “We have the fattest pitcher out there right now. It was like seeing Glen ‘Big Baby’ Davis out there. What probably would’ve kept him going was a platter of pork brisket being served to him after every pitch” said another fan.
We thought it was too early in the season to throw such criticism as teams ought to still be trying to find their bearings, however not New York. According to them, their other teams suck right now so Yankees are all they’ve got left. Some have been rumored to push George Steinbrenner to signing Lebron to be a Yankee instead of a Knick. An indication of how bad they feel about the New York Knicks for example, being successful, even with Lebron.

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Twins accidentally sign Mauer to eight-year, $184 million extension

March 29, 2010 By Leave a Comment
Minnesota's newest millionaire

Minnesota's newest millionaire

FORT MEYERS, Fla – The Minnesota Twins have signed all-star catcher and 2009 American League MVP Joe Mauer to an extension worth $184 million over the next eight years. Joe Mauer jumped all over the opportunity to sign the contract as he was elated to be able to stay with his home town team for the long term. The Twins however, were not so pleased when they discovered the amount they were going to have to pay him. Minnesota, who have never been big spenders, looked on in shock when they saw the contract read $184 million, instead of the $18.4 million that they had intended.

“I’m so happy that I’ll be able to stay home and play for the team that I grew up rooting for,” said the newest multimillionaire catcher. “I thought for sure when I saw the numbers on the contract that I was signing up to play for the Yankees.”

The New York Yankees typically are willing to shell out that kind of money for any of the top players in the game to come join their squad. Mauer could not believe what he was seeing when he saw that it was actually the Twins offering him the contract.

Twins management, while glad to have Mauer and his skills around for the next eight years, did not mean to pay him that much money.

Owner Jim Pohlad bellowed, “We meant $18.4 million! Somebody put the decimal in wrong place! We are the Twins, not the Yankees! We do not spend that kind of money!”

Joe Mauer becomes the third highest paid player in baseball. Only Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter, both Yankees, have signed deals worth more than Mauer’s $184 million.

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Ron Washington seen snorting 3rd base line

March 22, 2010 By Leave a Comment
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Ron at 4am in the morning

GLENDALE, AZ- Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington was spotted last week, on his hands and knees with his face buried in the third base line at the team’s spring facility, attempting to inhale the fair/foul line. Washington, who tested positive for cocaine in the summer of 2009 in a random MLB drug test, apparently thought the base lines would give him the same high. The base lines however, are just chalk, which Washington tried to snort anyway.

“We tried to stop him,” said second baseman Ian Kinsler. “He is just a fiend, he’ll try anything that is a white powder. I saw him even try the rosin bag once.”

Washington has been seen wandering through Camelback Ranch at odd hours of the day and night looking to get his fix. One janitor even claims he saw him pick up a bag of flour from the teams cafeteria and try to snort that.

The Rangers are hoping they can get Washington the help that he needs, but still plan to keep him as the teams manager throughout the 2010 season.

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Nationals pitcher Strasburg sent to minors to give MLB hitters a chance

March 22, 2010 By Leave a Comment

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VIERA, Fla- After striking out most of the Washington Nationals hitters during intrasquad scrimmages this spring, the team has sent their top pick, and top pitching prospect Stephen Strasburg to Double-A Harrisburg to start the season. Washington feared that with Strasburg dominating against his own team, the Nationals hitters would not get a chance to work on their mechanics before the season started. The team struggled offensively in 2009, and is hoping to improve on that in 2010.

“We had no choice but to get him out of here for now,” said Nationals GM Mike Rizzo. “He is is only 21 and has no professional experience. Do you know how much of an embarrassment that is to our hitters who cannot make contact against him?”

The Nationals weren’t the only team happy to see him leave major league game either. After striking out eight Detroit Tigers hitters in only four innings last week, Detroit manager Jim Leyland said, “It is just not fair to use him in spring. No hitters will be able to gain any confidence this spring if he just shuts them down.”

With the lack of talent on Nationals squad, expect Strasburg to be back with the Nationals within the first 2 months of the season.

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Declining rate of positive drug tests proving baseball is boring

March 8, 2010 By Leave a Comment

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PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla- At spring training facilities in Florida and Arizona, fans are grumbling about the lack ofexcitement in this season’s early games. Since Major League Baseball instituted its newest drug policy in 2006, the game has become uninteresting and more boring. With 50 game, 100 game, and lifetime bans awaiting players who test positive for anabolic steroids or HGH, the rate of positive tests is rapidly declining, and putting most fans to sleep around the fifth inning. Fans are not as excited for baseball games when there is no 6-5 270 lb behemoth launching home runs 500 feet.

“We all want to see the home runs,” said Joel Hinder of Flushing, NY. The long time Mets fan is disappointed in what the game has become. “Strategy?” asked Hinder, “who wants to see teams manufacture themselves one single run with sac flies and bunts when there used to buy guys who would get up and just blast the ball over the wall?”

While players and managers today may like the dedication and hard work it takes to make it to the the show, fans are more interesting in athletes who inject themselves with illegal substances to enhance their performance.

“I miss having the pitcher out there who could bring it over 100 mph on every pitch, and if he broke your bat, he wasn’t afraid to pick up the broken part and chuck it right back at you,” said die-hard Mets fan and Hempstead native Mikey Southwick, describing and act that accused steroid user Roger Clemens once did in a game.

Its much more exciting not only when players are blasting home runs, but the threat of a ‘roid rage is prevalent at any time.

Fans can only hope that MLB will relax on its drug policy in 2010, and allow players to due whatever it takes to turn the sport into the great game it once was.

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