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Domincan Republic in fears of vacated wins if Calipari becomes coach

April 27, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Lexington, KY – Coach John Calipari verified reports that he had been considering becoming coach of the Dominican Republic’s national basketball team this past Monday. After DR officials had approached Calipari, he admitted that he couldn’t turn down the offer right away. Coach Calipari has been a top NCAA coaching success over the past few years in Kentucky and Memphis however he has also been the subject of allegations to illegal recruiting schemes. Calipari couldn’t be reached for comment however the PR made it known that Calipari will come to an official decision before the week is up but anonymous sources have leaned towards Calipari actually accepting the job.

DR officials had already made the offer but their president of sports operations admitted he had not known of Calipari’s past when it came to the recruitment accusations and vacated wins. “Actually, I thought he was clean as a whistle and we figured we’d better snatch this guy before team USA gets him!” commented President of Sports Operations, Juan Josue.  Juan, along with the rest of the DR still hopes Calipari isn’t there to indirectly recruit players for Kentucky as well. “I hate to say this but as days go by, I am beginning to think I made a mistake”, lamented Juan.

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89-0 record set by Uconn Women’s Basketball; Random critics ponder who let them out of kitchen

December 22, 2010 By Leave a Comment

It was a dominant 93-62 win over 20 ranked Florida State. “20th ranked!!!!” said Robert De La Cruz, a media columnist for the school newspaper. De La Cruz was clearly referring to how bad the Lady Seminoles were beaten despite their status in the AP polls. It’s no secret there has been a lot of debate over this record because of the fact that it was set by the women’s basketball team. Some critics are saying the record shouldn’t be discussed nor compared to the men’s record set by UCLA back in 1971 – 1974. others, including UConn coach, Geno Auriemma are saying they should stop being bastards and shut their pie holes. An interesting group of brash critics however, have brought a new set of beliefs to the table.

According to a group of pundits led by radio personality Ron Schymus, they had no idea women even played basketball. “I truly thought it was one of those things we let those girls do to make them feel better about themselves. I mean, i was shocked when i saw this on ESPN’ front page.” While many women were shocked at Ron’s remarks, he surprisingly drew a large number of supporters, mostly male. “If we have these women thinking they can compete on a level playing ground with men, and start talking about beating a record set by men, they’re going to think they are more useful than they really are.” continued Schymus.

The NOW organization has been in uproar over his comments and have called for his radio show to be canceled and taken off the air completely. Schymus response to them was that he didnt’ know women even formed such an organization and that he wonders who is letting them out of the kitchen. Apologies are still yet to be heard from Schymus but his group of supporters are growing strong and have come to his defense by picketing infront of his job that he shouldn’t be fired. Signs from picketers were visible like “great win, now go make me a damn sammich” and “you know i can still kick your ass right?”

For more developments on this story, stay subscribed to rofljock.

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Butler’s Hayward ineligible player due to young age; school to vacate wins

April 5, 2010 By Leave a Comment

haywardINDIANAPOLIS- Butler forward, Gordon Hayward, is in the news again but this time, there is controversy surrounding him. After a solid performance against Michigan State, a report was issued to the NCAA board claiming Gordon was an underaged player.

In summary, we were told the report had proof that Hayward hadn’t graduated middle school. His last true school records date no further than grade 6. “This is a bit of a surprise to us, but in the back of our minds, we always thought he did look kind of young” said an official on Sunday. If everything is accurate on the report, Hayward would actually be a 12 year old, not a 20 year old.

Hayward is yet to take the floor later today for the final game of the NCAA against Duke. The NCAA board had said they would still let him play because it’s too late to instill a punishment at this critical time in the tournament. Also it was said they wanted to see those “Duke douchebags lose”. Punishments may be in order, after the season. Fans and media alike are predicting it may be a ‘vacate all your wins’ penalty.

USC was also rumored to be interested in Hayward initially. Although it wasn’t proven, some fans have been spreading rumors that gifts such as lollipops and toy racecars were sent to Hayward from USC in order to entice him signing with them.

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College girls participating in some sort of sporting tournament

March 29, 2010 By Leave a Comment
College women attempting to jump

College women attempting to jump

SAN ANTONIO – Women from 64 colleges across the nation have been seen participating in some sort of tournament that seems to require athletic ability. At first, it appeared it was just another college beer pong tournament, seeing the girls stand stationary and throw a ball into a target, one could easily get confused. However, they claim to be playing basketball. To the untrained eye it is difficult to tell since there is barely any jumping and way too much passing, but they do in fact use a basketball and shoot it through a basket.

“We train all year to make it to this tournament and have a shot at becoming National Champion,” said Connecticut’s head coach Geno Auriemma. “These young women take this game serious, and want to be Champions more than anything else.” Auriemma’s team has won 74 straight games.

Still, Connecticut rarely gets any national attention, due to the boring style of play in the woman’s game.

The sport’s phenom is Baylor freshman Brittney Griner. Unheard of to most people, but the 19 year old, stands at 6’8″ and dominates the women’s game. Despite her dominance of the game, she is best known for a punch she threw in a game in March that got her thrown out of the game, which is still the single greatest moment of this season. She towers over the rest of the women, even dunking like the men do, while the other women struggle to reach up to her.

There are fans of the woman’s game in this country who take this event very seriously, even though at times it is difficult remember what they are watching. The 64-team tournament concludes this season in San Antonio, TX, where a national champion will be crowned.

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Texas Longhorns aggressively recruiting the Ivan Brothers

March 22, 2010 By Leave a Comment

ivanbrosAUSTIN- After the loss to Wake Forest, the Texas Longhorns were sent home early. It’s been a while since they’ve had a first round exit and noone in the staff is used to it. Longhorns coach, Rick Barnes, obviously wasn’t in a chippy mood after the game but was still a good sport and talked to us a bit. “We lost fair and square and there’s nothing we can do about it now but move onto the next season. At least we have more time to plan than the other guys.” said Barnes.

We had heard rumors that there are top high school prospects that are yet iffy about choosing Texas over other top colleges so we asked what Barnes strategy was to sway them to Texas. Barnes gave the usual canned speech without spilling any secrets but at the same time he let up a quick oops by mentioning the Ivan Brothers. We asked him to elaborate a few times and he reluctantly testified that he’s sent his entire longhorn scout team to locate the Ivan brothers. “After that commercial on TV, I had to find them quick! There’s no way talent like that can go to waste! I don’t care if they’re one and done players, I’ve got a lot of experience with that, I just want to win a tournament for once!”

ivanbros2

Big Ivan goes for a dunk on a fast break play

I suggested that the commercial might just be a joke in a ploy to advertise Capital One ventures and that there is no such duo as the Ivan brothers, but again, my words fell on deaf ears as Barnes looked at me with desperation in his eyes. “Our school features highly ranked programs across the major sports, we’ve got a huge fan base across Texas, and we always excel in the recruitment wars! but we don’t have a freakin’ championship!” said Barnes. He also added that the Ivan brothers will make people fear Texas again after this dismal season because there would be no match for that duo who would be replacing his expiring front court in Damion James and Dexter Pittman.

The Texas coach said he had already made plans to visit countries like Norway and Finland to start his search because he believes they may have returned to their native land. Barnes was able to recruit Kevin Durant all the way from Maryland. We believe his scouts are very convincing but this will be their greatest challenge in our opinion. We do wish the best for Texas however, in their quest to live up to all the hype that has surrounded their basketball team for the past decade.

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Report: Fans vote Kobe & Lebron the greatest NCAA players ever

March 22, 2010 By 2 Comments

lebkobKANSAS- A sports survey conducted in the University of Kansas yesterday revealed that most basketball fans have no clue or recollection, as they voted Kobe Bryant & Lebron James as being the greatest NCAA players in the history of the tournament, despite neither player ever playing within the NCAA.

There were 150 participants selected, all personnel were members of the university and 65% chose either Kobe or Lebron as their number one candidate. After discovering this survey ROFLJOCK headed down to to see if this revelation was true and to our disbelief it was. After hunting down two or three of the people who were surveyed, we questioned them on why they picked Kobe and Lebron.

The first participant interviewed was George Khan, a student majoring in Law who when questioned with the original statement, responded as follows ” Well i was first gonna pick someone born in Kansas or a jayhawk like Wilt Chamberlain but when you see what Kobe & LeBron are doing in this day and age no one can compare to them. The second & third respondents merely shouted “Kobe Woooooooooooooo”, ” No Lebron is the king” the two then proceeded to beat each other up, resulting in us leaving swiftly. After examining the questionnaires, a familiar thread cropped up. All 65% of the students who choose Kobe or Lebron were all equal to or under the age of 20 years old, showing the frightening future that lays ahead for us.

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Casual Viewer dissapointed Pac 10 was not a pac man tournament

March 15, 2010 By 1 Comment

pac-10SEATTLE- An unemployed ex trucker, Tyler Smith from Seattle,Washington was left disappointed today after switching channels to watch the Pac-10 tournament and witnessing a game of college basketball rather than a tournament about the early 80′s arcade game, where the user plays as a yellow ball, eating dots while being chased by four different types of ghosts.

“It was the middle of the day, i think, i had just woken up drank a carton of milk, looked through TV guide and seen that there was a program on tv about the reason why i never went to high school. Damn i used to love that game, would have been real nice look down memory lane but instead basketball is on……Basketball! and it wasn’t even the sonics who were playing” ( Authors Note: It seems that the fan used to be a big basketball fan but after the Seattle Sonics moved & relocated to Oklahoma, he like many other Seattle natives, do not wish to associate with the sport).

The Pac-10 tournament was won by the Washington Huskies this year but this seemed to have little impact on the Mr. Smith who could not forgive anyone for the obvious mistake in program title and later went on to register a compliant with the TV guide manufacturers who did not give a clear indication of the details of the program.

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Nets Hoping for NIT Bid

March 15, 2010 By 1 Comment

netslogoNEW JERSEY-As the season approaches its end, the New Jersey Nets are on strong pace for having the worst record in the league. As of today, they’ve only amassed 7 wins… and 58 losses. This dismal record can only have 1 good thing about it, and that’s having the #1 draft pick for the following season.However, Nets coach, Kiki Vandeweghe was singing a different tune.

As the NCAA tournament approaches, Kiki couldn’t hide a smile from his face as he said his Nets may get a spot in the NIT tourney. “Our boys play hard every night, there’s no doubt in my mind, but maybe the NBA is a little tough for them right now, so i’m hoping we place in the tourney this year. We may turn some heads our way” said Kiki.

He later on mused about how the Nets have great college players in Devin Harris, Terrence Williams, and Brook Lopez. Kiki acknowledges the NBA championship is definitely out of reach at this point, and he plans to take baby steps to reaching that goal. Getting an NIT bid would really bode well for Kiki and the Nets because that would be a step in the right direction according to the GM.

“I have it all lined up” said Kiki, “The NIT bid, our offseason roster moves, the John Wall draft, the Lebron acquisition, and then chaaaaampionshiiiippp!!” Kiki just requests for us remaining nets fans to keep our fingers crossed as we embark on a potential monumental offseason ahead of us.

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Minnesota T’Wolves plan to draft Britney Griner

January 25, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Current Baylor forward, Britney Griner has turned lots of heads with her spectular play during her freshman year. “We’ve never had a player like this in Baylor’s history. “We’ve made a lot of progress in women’s college basketball recently and having a player like Griner gives us great potential in our near future.” said the excited women’s coach.

Not only the Coach has been impressed, the fans of Baylor as well as the fans of women’s basketball in general have been wowed by her prowess and gifts to the sport. However, one interesting person what was impressed was T’wolves GM, David Kahn.

“I went to one of her games when I was in town doing some scouting of my own. Boy oh boy, i’ve never seen any player as impressed as Griner.” Said Kahn. We did remind Kahn that even though Britney is impressive, why would he be interested in scouting at a women’s college basketball game. Kahn did remind us that there is no rule preventing women from joining the NBA but also he said he wanted to make clean with his harshest critics by not drafting a point guard this upcoming season.

We seriously questioned Kahn to the best of our ablility, especially for the sake of the Timberwolves organization. We mentioned there were great non-PG male prospects in Texas he could consider, like Donnie Avery of Texas and Aubrey Coleman of Houston, but we dont’ think he heard us. He just appeared hypnotized and marvelled by Griner’s dominance in the post. “I’m definitely drafting her” said Kahn. “We need that X factor, she reminds me alot of Tayshaun Prince!”

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Report: Carroll took Seattle job to be closer to Sarkisian

January 25, 2010 By Leave a Comment

sarkisianCarroll

It was a rough year for Southern California football without former offensive coordinator Steve Sarkisian. Sarkisian left USC after the 2008 season to join the Washington Huskies as head coach. USC struggled last season without him, and Pete Carroll missed him so much, he took the head coaching job with the Seattle Seahawks so he did not have to go through another season without him by his side.

“I can’t stand being away from him, its though to concentrate on winning football without him by my side” said Carroll. “I just couldn’t go another season away from him, so I decided to take the Seattle job so I can be close to him. I’m really fired up! I know Steve is probably excited about it too!”

Carroll’s hope is that by having Sarkisian so close in Seattle, that he’ll be able to bring him in to teach the Seahawks how to score a touchdown, something they appeared to forget how to do last season.

“I’m not sure what he’s talking about” questioned Sarkisian. The Huskies coach did not seem happy about Carroll following him up to Seattle, “I know we had a pretty good thing going at USC, but I’m ready to move on and do my own thing.”

Sarkisian led the Huskies to a 5-7 record in 2009, but did manage an upset win over Carroll’s Trojans.

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