AP officially renames DROY award as Defensive Roider of the Year

nfl_a_bcushts2_288HOUSTON – As the results of the re vote for Texans DB Brian Cushing was announced yesterday, there was no doubt there were still mixed feelings on the issue of him retaining the award. Cushing has been known for his defensive prowess this past season as a rookie, amassing over 100 tackles. Initially, Cushing won the vote in a landslide with Redskins DE Brian Orakpo coming in second. After the re vote, Orakpo had 13 while Cushing had 18.
“It was a lot closer but still didn’t turn out how we expected” commented a source from the Associated Press. Several media pundits were clearly upset at the outcome as well. John Clayton, of ESPN was one of the most notables. It was clear he voted against having Cushing keep the award and was so vehement about the results that he was rumored to inject some HGH substances into his head. He declined being rushed to a medical facility later on however, as he confessed that it gives him an edge over his colleagues on dishing out creative articles.

AP declined to comment on the results but quickly issued a statement that they will re name the award to Defensive Roider of the Year. They said the reasoning behind it was to keep the acronym the same and at the same time stay true to the nature of the award as the voters saw fit.

We will cover this story more if there are any more developments.

Myron Rolle to legally change name to Rick Rolle

myronrolleFLORIDA- Myron Rolle yet made another big announcement today that raised the titan fan’s eyebrow again. During a local interview, Rolle corrected the reporter who called his name by saying he would now like to be addressed as Rick, and not Myron. The reporter asked why, and Rolle responded, “because I don’t want people to think I’m a person that gives up my dreams or lets people down. Just because of my latest media reports, people still shouldn’t think I’m just going to run around or desert them. ”

We weren’t going to interview Rolle but after hearing that response, we felt it was rofljock worthy. The younger reporters giggled at his wit but the older reporters including the interviewer apparently didn’t get the irony. The interviewer then followed up with, “but what does that have to do with being called Rick? Your name would be Rick Rolle?”. Rolle just smiled, and ignored the reporter, picking up his ‘advanced practices in medicine’ encyclopedia and reading while huming to the tune of Rick Astley’s “Never gonna give you up”.

Hoping to lead league in arrests, Bengals sign Pacman Jones

Pacman-JonesCINCINNATI – After a down year in amount of arrests, the Cincinnati Bengals have agreed to terms on a two-year contract with troubled cornerback Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones. Since he was drafted in 2005, he has been arrested six times and suspended by the league, making it difficult for him to stay on the field. Cincinnati is hoping that by signing him, they will be able to have more players behind bars than any other team.

“We have an expectation to live up to here in Cincinnati,” said head coach Marvin Lewis. “Fans expect our players to get arrested at least a few times during the year. We hope with the addition of Pacman, we hope that we’ll be able to meet those expectations.”

Cincinnati also signed troubled wide receiver Matt Jones in February, who is still facing a suspension from the NFL after a cocaine possession charge. Late in the 2009 season, they added running back Larry Johnson, who has also had his run-ins with the law since entering the league in 2003. Cedric Benson, another Bengals running back was arrested in 2008 for allegedly boating while intoxicated.

With the addition of Matt Jones and Pacman Jones, to go along with Johnson and Benson, owner Mike Brown is excited about the possibilities, “We’re stoke about the talent we’ve brought in here. Not only can these guys perform, but they’ve got proven track records with the law. Our fans shouldn’t be shocked this season when a few of our guys get arrested.”

The Bengals are hoping to get a head start on the league by having at least one player arrested before they open training camp on July 31.

Desean Jackson’s Mcnabb comments a result of Terrell Owens’ voodoo

terrell-owensPHILADELPHIA – After public comments berating Donovan Mcnabb were issued by Eagles WR, DeSean Jackson, the media took every opportunity to probe on the issue as to why Jackson would say these things about Donovan after he got traded to the Redskins. To speak for everyone, we were all under the impression there was a mutual feeling in the Eagles locker room as the team appeared to click well during the 2009 – 2010 season.

Jackson didn’t want to add anymore fuel to the fire after he had realized how big of a story this would be in the media but he did mention that this wasn’t all his idea. As a matter of fact, after watching events unfold in retrospect as broadcast by ESPN, Jackson exclaimed he doesn’t even remember saying a word of what was reported and this ought to be false. He did get convinced we weren’t lying though after he saw video of his interview on TV as well; he couldn’t deny it was him.

Being the good media folks that we are, we decided to help the poor young receiver find out what sort of condition or sorcery may have possessed him to make such comments against one of the most perennial and mature pro-bowlers to ever grace this sport. After deep thought, our staff members looked at each other at the same time and said, “T.O.”

I had placed a call to Terrell Owens after the Jackson interview, and asked if had anything to do with it. Owens just laughed and said he was bored and just wanted to spice up the NFL in the news again. We asked why Owens would do such a thing and why he would still take jabs at McNabb this late. Owens just laughed and repeated again that he was bored and that he enjoys seeing his prior quarterbacks fail. We mentioned to Owens that he didnt’ seem to have any beef toward Trent Edwards or J.P. Losman when he was still WR for the Bills. Owens replied in a text message saying “LOL! do you think i could bring their careers down any further? they sucked already.. there was nothing i could possibly do to make them look worse”. We had also asked Owens where and when he learned how to possess other receivers, and Owens replied that it was a skill he had been working on in the offseason and that he will use that to his arsenal when next he plays ball. “The whole catching footballs thing is getting old and I want to bring a new element to the game. I’ll make defenders shit their pants while trying to chase me, it will really throw them off” replied Owens.

This may well be a very interesting 2010 – 2011 football season.

Change of heart: Raiders keep JaMarcus Russell, move him to guard

Raiders Camp FootballOAKLAND – In an effort to get some kind production out of their 2007 first overall pick, the Oakland Raiders have announced that they will not release JaMarcus Russell and plan to use him at the guard position starting in training camp. With the draft day acquisition of quarterback Jason Campbell, and Russell reporting to the team’s mini-camp at nearly 300 pounds, the team believes that Russell will be able to help teams struggling offensive line.

“His skill set at this time is now better suited for an interior offensive lineman,” said head coach Tom Cable. “His accuracy, and mobility as a quarterback can’t cut it in this league. However, he does have great size and strength that fits well at the guard position.”

Russell finished the 2009 NFL season ranked last among quarterbacks in quarterback rating, touchdowns, passing yards, and completion percentage.

Owner Al Davis is thrilled about the decision.

“When I drafted JaMarcus in 2007 I knew I had selected a player that would be able to vastly improve this team. He gave us three great years at quarterback, now he is being a team player and accepting the position change in order to help our struggling offensive line,” he said.

Russell will challenge current starters Robert Gallery and Cooper Carlisle for a starting spot when training camp opens for Oakland in July.

Rolando McClain suffers career ending career as a Raider

resized_ro_cory_presser_ap_markjterrillOAKLAND – Alabama Crimson Tide alum, Rolando McClain showed a deeply saddened face all day today. Deeply saddened by his draft onto the Raiders, McClain already knew his time was up.

“It all happened so fast.. I was sitting there, holding my mom’s hand tightly as names were being called.” said McClain. Rolando knew he was going to be a high pick according to mock drafts and combine results as well as his impressive stint in college, but started getting worried when the first seven teams passed up on him.

As soon as the orator walked up to the podium and announced “..for the 8th pick of the 2010 nfl draft, the oakland raiders select..”, Rolando described a cold piercing breath of air inhaled as a sweat ran down his cheek. He had never been this nervous or tense in his life on nor off the field. Apparently, other draftees felt the same way as they were praying not to be selected by the Raiders neither. “As soon as I heard my name called out for the Raiders pick, I knew my time was done.” said McClain. Every other player in the room exhaled in excitement and felt their future was once again in good hands, until it was the Raiders turn to draft again.

McClain made a brief statement saying he thanks his fans for all the support they have given him and that he hopes to recover from the highly potential career ending draft choice by being traded to another team.

Drew Brees to sit out season incase of Madden Curse

2350.11 madden drew brees
NEW ORLEANS – After being named the newest Madden cover boy, Drew Brees was excited for the news but he made an interesting announcement shortly after the celebration started. After acknowledging the priviledge of being named, he then announced that he is going to sit out the entire 2010-2011 NFL season to avoid risk of injury. A lot of fans and critics alike failed to understand the reasoning behind the decision until video game nerds explained what we like to call “The Madden Curse”.

The video game series, Madden NFL has spanned for over 10 years but after the corporate decision to put actual players on the video game cover instead of John Madden, there has usually been a decline in performance for that player, especially due to an injury. The madden curse has invaded players like Daunte Culpepper, marshall Faulk, and Michael Vick just to name a few.

A spokesman for the Saints’ front office declined to detail on what they plan to do to get Brees to play. He was kind enough to mention that they’ve considered taking Brees off the cover of that ‘dumb arcade game’ and wished 2ksports football games were still around because the players on their covers had successful seasons.

Backup QB, Chase Daniel, is excited about this as he should see more playing time. Should any more updates occur, you’ll hear it first on rofljock.com.

Miami Dolphins front office bothered by Ricky Williams’ request to have salary paid in weed

ricky-williams-smoking-weedMIAMI – Running back, Ricky Williams of the Dolphins has been relatively quiet as of late and has kept away from the media as far as controversy is involved. He has also had a decent season as a co-RB to Ronnie Brown. However, a comment he made earlier during training camp bothered some team officials. During a quick break, Williams was overheard saying he’d want to ‘toke it up’ to a promising season ahead. Williams also said he’d like to celebrate the progress with a victory joint.

After being confronted by the front office later on last week, Williams only said he was joking and that thsoe comments should be taken lightly. It was always part of his rehab to joke about his previous addictions that way he would feel less guilty about it.

After a mutual understanding with the staff, Williams then proceeded to smoke a bong with them in the office and chatted about how they should’ve drafted an actual dolphin with their first overall draft pick this year.

Top NFL prospects giving Al Davis rejection phone number

Al DavisNEW YORK – In a move typically saved for girls to avoid giving a guy her real phone number, some rookies in this year’s NFL draft are giving Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis a phone number that lets the caller know that they are not interested. This way, if Davis attempts to call them on draft day, and automated recording will let him know that they are not interested in playing for him, and do not want him to have their real contact information.

Former Oklahoma State wide receiver Dez Bryant is credited with first pulling off the move, fearing that he is one of Davis’ favorite prospects.

“Let’s be honest,” said Bryant, “We all know ol’ Al loves him some speedy wide receivers. I don’t want to immediately ruin my career by starting with the Raiders, so I thought it’d be funny to give him the rejection number so he can’t call me on draft day.”

Eric Berry, former Tennessee stand out defensive back, quickly followed Bryant’s lead.

“When I heard about what Dez did, I thought it was a fantastic idea. I was worried that Al would realize it was the same number, but his ancient ass had no clue.”

Oakland Raiders management is working on getting a phone with large keys, so Davis can attempt to contact his sections on draft day.

Jerry Jones upset that Wade Phillips wasn’t inside during Texas Stadium implosion

jonesphillipsegIRVING, Tx – Fans lined the fences a safe distance away from Texas Stadium last Sunday as they gathered to say good-bye to the stadium that housed the Dallas Cowboys for 38 years. Seeing the stadium that so many went to watch their beloved Cowboys play at for almost four decades reduced to dust even brought out tears from some fans. More emotional than anybody was Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who was disappointed to learn that head coach Wade Phillips was not inside the stadium as it was brought down.

“I’ve been regretting that decision to give him extension since he signed it,” said Jones, who awarded Phillips with a contract extension through the 2011 season. “I told him to meet me at Texas Stadium today to pick up some final things, and i figured that fat dope would fall for it.”

After leading the Cowboys to disappointing seasons since 2007, critics questioned the decision to re-sign the head coach who has only one playoff win in his coaching career.

“I don’t know what I’ll try next,” questioned Jones. “Maybe I’ll just send him dozens of Krispy-Kremes until he has a heart attack. Heck, Maybe I’ll even blow up our new stadium if we don’t win a Super Bowl this year! That should send a message!”

Jerry Jones is hoping that the threat of blowing up his new stadium that cost over $1 billion to build, will get Wade Phillips to find a way to win a Super Bowl.

Jones, who was visually upset, then got in his Escalade, slammed the door and sped off.