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Sharks already living up to expectation of blowing it in the playoffs

April 19, 2010 By Leave a Comment

DENVER – Colorado Avalanche center Ryan O’Reilly was credited with the game winning overtime goal 51 seconds into overtime to take a 2-1 lead series lead over the visiting San Jose Sharks. O’Reilly was the last Avalanche player to touch the puck before Sharks defenseman Dan Boyle appeared to shoot it into his own net. San Jose, who could not get a goal after 51 shots against Colorado goalie Craig Anderson, decided to put one past their own goalie, Evgeni Nabokov, to end the game. Just three games in, San Jose is looking again like the team that so often gets eliminated early in the playoffs.

Boyle was bitterly disappointed in himself after the game.

“I’m just anxious to collect my bet,” said the Canadian-born defenseman. “San Jose, even before I got here, is a guarantee to get knocked out early every season. Its easy money to bet against us.”

San Jose has finished either first or second each of the past five seasons, but failed each time to make it past the conference semifinals.

“San Jose is a great hockey down with a great tradition,” team captain Joe Thornton explained, “We don’t want our fans to realize that the regular season isn’t that important, and have them expect us to win in the playoffs.”

San Jose will look to get one game closer to the off-season when they take on Colorado again on Tuesday night.

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NHL considering imposing 15-yard personal foul penalty for head shots

March 22, 2010 By 1 Comment

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TORONTO- After working together with the NFL on how to cut down the number of head shots in the NHL, the league is considering following the NFL’s model, and imposing 15-yard personal foul penalties on players who deliver deliberate blows to the head. Head shots have been increasing at an alarming rate in the NHL, and the league is looking at all options on how to eradicate them from the game. The NHL has taken notice that in the NFL, shots to the head decreased significantly after the automatic personal foul penalty for such hits was instituted.

“We are looking at all our options,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. “We’ve taken notice at what the NFL has done, and we’d like to follow their lead in order to stop the number of concussions happening in the game. We really like the way they use the 15-yard personal foul penalty, and are hoping we will be able to find a way to do the exact same thing.”

When asked how he plans on enforcing a yardage penalty in a sport that isn’t measure in yards and has no distance markers, the commissioner just reiterated that it is important to find a way to stop blows to the head, and that the league is willing to do anything to stop them from happening.

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Report: Sidney Crosby detained by U.S. authorities

March 8, 2010 By Leave a Comment

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PITTSBURGH- Sources are reporting that after scoring the game winning goal in overtime last Sunday in Canada’s 3-2 overtime triumph over the United States in the gold medal Olympic hockey game, the Pittsburgh Penguins superstar was held up by TSA agents who considered not letting him back in to the country. In the most watched hockey game since 1980, Americans tuned in only to see their hopes of a gold medal dashed by Canada’s favorite son. When his return flight from Vancouver to Pittsburgh landed, TSA agents immediately boarded the plane and apprehended Crosby. TSA agents were under the impression that since he beat the United States, he must have been some sort of threat to the country. For a short time, Crosby was held up by security who did not think he should be allowed back. After explaining his role on the Penguins, agents decided he was no threat to the country.

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After upset loss to USA, Canada considering canceling Olympics

February 22, 2010 By Leave a Comment

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VANCOUVER- Jamie Langenbrunner’s goal at 7:09 of the third period to give the United States a 4-2 lead at the time over Canada would hold up to be the game winner as the United States upset Canada in Vancouver on Sunday giving the Americans their Olympic win over the Canadians in 50 years. Sidney Crosby would score a goal with just under four minutes left would bring the Canadians with in one before Ryan Kesler’s hustled to a loose puck and back handed it with one arm for an empty net goal with 45 seconds left would seal the Americans 5-3 victory. Canada, whose national sport is hockey, who have been focused on winning gold on home soil in hockey, are so distraught after the loss, are considering forcing everybody out of Vancouver and canceling the Olympic games.

“Hockey is what we live for as Canadians. We’ve been waiting for this moment for the last four years, so we can celebrate winning gold and proving that hockey is our sport, and we are the best in the world at it” said Canadian Olympic Committee President Michael Chambers.

“Lets be honest,” continued Chambers, “Nobody up here really cares about the other sports. Its all about hockey in the great white north. If Canada is gonna struggle at the sport we live for, we might as well just cancel the games all together. These Olympics would be meaningless without a gold in hockey for Canada.”

All of Canada has been excited for these Olympic Games, especially for Hockey. Nearly the entire nation tuned in on Sunday only to see their beloved heroes lose to the rival Americans. Canada Hockey Place, the home for ice hockey at the Olympics, was a sea of red with maple leaf flags waving all over the place. Fans were also bitterly disappointed also by the result.

“If we can’t win at hockey, then whats the point of supporting my country,” wondered Jan Fletcher of Surrey, BC, who attended the game. She added that “if they’re not going to win gold, then these entire games are a waste of time and an embarrassment.”

The COC will take 48 hours to asses the situation and make an announcement. However, Internatioal Olympic Committee president Jacques Rogge said that despite the Candians disappointment, the games will continue.

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Thrashers make deal with Devil to ensure playoff spot

February 15, 2010 By Leave a Comment

HELL- The Atlanta Thrashers have made a blockbuster deal with the Devil, guaranteeing a spot in the 2010 NHL playoffs for the team. In return Atlanta has sent Russian left winger Ilya Kovalchuck to the underworld. The Devil himself was looking for a play-maker and goal scorer to join his team in Hell to be able to finally knock of God’s hockey team, the reigning champions of the league. Atlanta jumped at the opportunity as soon as it was presented, making the playoffs for only the second time since they entered the league in 1999.

“By adding Kovalchuk to the squad, we are hoping that gives us the edge we to finally beat that goodie goodie up in Heaven,” an excited leader of the underworld said. “He thinks he can just control whatever he wants, but I know he wont be able to game plan for us with Kovalchuk on the team.” Kovalchuk will immediately join the team has the first line left winger.

Kovalchuk is currently 7th in the NHL in goals scored, and 15th in total points.

Atlanta general manager Don Waddell added, “It is good to know that we already have a playoff spot locked up for this season. We are confident that the Devil will come through on his promise, we have never had a reason to doubt him in the past.” Although it was hard for him to trade away the fan favorite and best player in team history, Waddell knows that it was the best move for the team. “We are sure the fans will understand the move. This season we will be in the playoffs!”

Atlanta is 10th in the Eastern Conference right now, but now knows fate will propel them into one of the top eight spots.

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NHL Announces Plans to Keep Coyotes in Phoenix, Fans Realize There is a Team

December 28, 2009 By 1 Comment

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After taking control of the NHL’s Phoenix Coyotes franchise after the team filed for bankruptcy back in May, the league has sold the team to Ice Edge Holdings, an investment group who has announced that it has no plans to relocate the team to Canada and keep the team in the Valley of the Sun. The group is perfect for the NHL, who wants to expand and grow the game cities who couldn’t care less about it in southern United States cities.

This came has a huge surprise to fans in the Phoenix area, mostly because they were unaware that an NHL franchise even existed in Phoenix.

“The Coyotes?” questioned Mark Stacey of Glendale, AZ, “What sport do they play? Never heard of them. I’m going golfing.”

The group is hoping that it can push the team’s season ticket sales past ten people, starting in the 2010-11 season.

“Oh wow its a hockey team? I thought when they said the Coyotes are leaving, that the city had figured out away to make the animals leave so I wouldn’t have to worry about them killing my dogs or cats anymore” said Kelly Phillips of Peoria, AZ.

The players on the Coyotes were most excited by the announcement. “You mean I don’t have to go up to Canada and live and travel in that fucking freezing weather and snow? Sweet! I love Phoenix its always Sunny!” said Left Winger Taylor Pyatt.

Fans in Hamilton, Ontario however were severely disappointed upon learning that no franchise would be coming to the great white north. “All I do is hockey,” said a tearful Ryan Teklak. “I eat it, I drink it, I sleep it. I just wish I had a home team to support.”

Phoenix currently sits in fourth place in the Western Conference.

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