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Domincan Republic in fears of vacated wins if Calipari becomes coach

April 27, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Lexington, KY – Coach John Calipari verified reports that he had been considering becoming coach of the Dominican Republic’s national basketball team this past Monday. After DR officials had approached Calipari, he admitted that he couldn’t turn down the offer right away. Coach Calipari has been a top NCAA coaching success over the past few years in Kentucky and Memphis however he has also been the subject of allegations to illegal recruiting schemes. Calipari couldn’t be reached for comment however the PR made it known that Calipari will come to an official decision before the week is up but anonymous sources have leaned towards Calipari actually accepting the job.

DR officials had already made the offer but their president of sports operations admitted he had not known of Calipari’s past when it came to the recruitment accusations and vacated wins. “Actually, I thought he was clean as a whistle and we figured we’d better snatch this guy before team USA gets him!” commented President of Sports Operations, Juan Josue.  Juan, along with the rest of the DR still hopes Calipari isn’t there to indirectly recruit players for Kentucky as well. “I hate to say this but as days go by, I am beginning to think I made a mistake”, lamented Juan.

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Michael Jordan’s quest to destroy Charlotte Bobcats begins

December 24, 2010 By Leave a Comment

michael-jordan-398CHARLOTTE, N.C. – After Tuesday’s loss, the unexpected happened in Charlotte. Hall of Fame coach Larry Brown had gotten fired by team owner and former NBA great, Michael Jordan. Sources say there was a rift between the two individuals and that they did not see eye to eye on how the team was being built.

Jordan commented after the firing that it was in the best interest of the progression of the franchise and that the 19 losses in 28 games ‘wasn’t going to fly’. Larry Brown couldn’t be reached for comment as we were informed he was running late for his 3pm pill intake. Several players and staff within the organization took exception to the firing simply out of respect of Coach Larry Brown. “If anyone knew if Larry Brown wasn’t capable of coaching, it would be Larry, and he would leave on his own terms.” said a VP of basketball operations in Charlotte. Amongst those who shared his view, none would step up and challenge the decision because they all unanimously felt they in turn would be fired too. “Are you kidding me?” replied an anonymous staff member after being asked if there should be some sort of retaliation against Jordan, “It’s effin’ Michael Jordan! nobody questions him.. I’m still yet to get his autograph!”

Michael later commented that he plans to strengthen not only the team but the coaching staff as well, and promised that he’d bring an onslaught of former superstars from the league like Oakley and Ewing to teach the young guns. “I’ll come back and play if I have to, to show that I mean business” said Michael. “With me starting at the 2 and Kwame at the 5, there’s no reason we can’t turn things around right now.” As far as players go, Michael’s undying love for Brook Lopez still hasn’t been vanquished completely. There are rumors of trade talks between the Bobcats and the Nets. A spokesperson from the Nets leaked that Michael has even offered himself to come out of retirement to play for the Nets as long as they trade Lopez to Charlotte in the process.

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Earl Boykins and the Bucks beat Lakers 98 – 79; Lakers wonder what child was doing on the court

December 22, 2010 By Leave a Comment

boykinsxAs soon as 5’5 Earl Boykins stepped on the court, Lamar Odom had the most confused look on his face. Even more confused than when he saw how fat Chloe really was when she stood next to Santa at the mall. Boykins was the game’s points leader with 22 during the Bucks win. “It was like we let him score at will” said Laker forward Pau Gasol. “In fact, we did let him score at will because we had no idea who that was and why the refs weren’t stopping the game. I thought it was one of Kobe’s illegitimate children running around or something but I’ve got to admit this kid was good.” Pau continued.

Late in the fourth quarter, someone had tipped them off that it was actually an NBA player named Earl Boykins. Lamar Odom said after he figured out who he was, they had begun to play hard but it was too late by then. Phil Jackson, the zen master, was practicing whatever it is zen masters do because he appeared to do his trademark strategy of sitting on the bench crossing his leg and starring calmly at the game while Kobe barks signals. “It was wierd, i gotta admit” said Boykins after the game. “I thought i was going to get outmatched and outsized but instead it was like they felt sorry for me.” he continued. Boykins also added that he thought it was exceptionally wierd when he tried to penetrate the lane and he had Bynum carry him from behind with both arms, and lifted him towards the hoop to make a dunk.

Lakers are now 21 and 8 after the loss.

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89-0 record set by Uconn Women’s Basketball; Random critics ponder who let them out of kitchen

December 22, 2010 By Leave a Comment

It was a dominant 93-62 win over 20 ranked Florida State. “20th ranked!!!!” said Robert De La Cruz, a media columnist for the school newspaper. De La Cruz was clearly referring to how bad the Lady Seminoles were beaten despite their status in the AP polls. It’s no secret there has been a lot of debate over this record because of the fact that it was set by the women’s basketball team. Some critics are saying the record shouldn’t be discussed nor compared to the men’s record set by UCLA back in 1971 – 1974. others, including UConn coach, Geno Auriemma are saying they should stop being bastards and shut their pie holes. An interesting group of brash critics however, have brought a new set of beliefs to the table.

According to a group of pundits led by radio personality Ron Schymus, they had no idea women even played basketball. “I truly thought it was one of those things we let those girls do to make them feel better about themselves. I mean, i was shocked when i saw this on ESPN’ front page.” While many women were shocked at Ron’s remarks, he surprisingly drew a large number of supporters, mostly male. “If we have these women thinking they can compete on a level playing ground with men, and start talking about beating a record set by men, they’re going to think they are more useful than they really are.” continued Schymus.

The NOW organization has been in uproar over his comments and have called for his radio show to be canceled and taken off the air completely. Schymus response to them was that he didnt’ know women even formed such an organization and that he wonders who is letting them out of the kitchen. Apologies are still yet to be heard from Schymus but his group of supporters are growing strong and have come to his defense by picketing infront of his job that he shouldn’t be fired. Signs from picketers were visible like “great win, now go make me a damn sammich” and “you know i can still kick your ass right?”

For more developments on this story, stay subscribed to rofljock.

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hey how you durnn!?

November 20, 2010 By 1 Comment

It’s Saturday November 20th so happy thanksgiving to my readers, all 3 of you, in advance. I hope you guys cram your faces with tryptophan laced turkey and get that buzzed / sleepy look while watching the cowboys on TV, honoring their season long tradition of losing. No i mean it, enjoy thanksgiving and give thanks for all the good that’s happened to you this year. I’m willing to bet it outweighs the bad, I mean for one, you can give thanks that you still have life. If you just get shot right after reading this then I apologize.

So it’s pretty obvious at this point that I didn’t die. Yes, it’s really me typing this. I apologize for not updating the site lately, life just got in the way. You’d figure, now that I had cable things I’d be more active with a constant sports news feed coming in but it’s been quite the opposite. It’s really true cable makes you lazy.

So here’s one thing im rofljocking on..

Kobe aims at his haters

Kobe aims at his "haters"

apparently several media critics are taking a jab at kobe for this image. Now i can get into a whole discussion about this.. and i kinda did over here (try to guess which user i am), but I won’t. I’ll just state my case that the critics should give Kobe a pass on this one because it’s the commercial’s creators that are to blame. It’s no secret that there’s retards in this country that can’t differentiate between fiction and reality, so we have help them apply logic. The industry is already under fire for being controversial in the first place, this commercial doesn’t help their cause. Putting Kobe in this is only a bad PR move because of the controversy but everyone should know by now the only shooting Kobe does is shooting basketballs. Give him a break, and that’s coming from a non-kobe fan.

So what else is new? Guess who just overtook David Robinson as the all-time Spurs scorer?

look at my status tim.. you can look but you cant touch..

look at my status tim.. you can look but you can't touch..

Yes Duncan finally pulled it off. After sinking a free-throw to tie the record, he sunk another to break it, and it all went downhill from there…. for the Jazz. How about my Spurs bustin’ out a 10-1 record without ESPN and other laker/celtic/heat nut-hugging media outlets raving about it. Even, when New Orleans had a 7-0 streak to start out the season, we couldn’t hear the end of it, however there are NBA fans out there that don’t even know who Tim Duncan is.

i bet even tnt analyst except charles ernie and the jet woulda missed it too..

Speaking of the Spurs, it’s kinda sad that despite my biased ranting about them not being mentioned in the news, they actually have been mentioned in the news, at the expense of Tony Parker and Eva Longoria getting a divorce. At first when they hooked up, I pictured her as some non-sense chicana from da valley trying to make some noise by dating a spurs player, but i accepted that I was wrong after they had been together for quite a while. Then when I heard about the divorce, that did take me by surprise. But the thing that gets me is that, they’re divorcing because Tony was allegedly knockin’ boots with someone else.. damn Tony.. It was a former Spurs’ player’s wife.. DAMN TONY… it was Brent Barry’s wife.. DAMN TONY.. see.. i wouldn’t have minded until i heard it was a former player’s wife, so I was hella worried that Tony would end up playing the game like Tiger Woods did.. the sexual predator edition.. but I’m pretty stoked after seeing Tony play out there like Kobe Bryant.. the sexual predator edition. But regardless of the outcome of all of this, I’ve got to say this from a man’s perspective, that Erin Barry is one fine piece of A!

But enough of all that anyway, I’ve got a couple of good news to share and i’ll make it brief. 1. i’m gonna be updating this site with more funnies and 2. My friend Vlad at Slamdumb.com , Yes .. THE slamdumb.com is going to be posting my site out there to his readers.. he did it out of his own good heart.. I didn’t get on all fours and beg him mercilessly to help me out, even though every part of me inside wanted to. After having a couple of conversations with him, he’s a good guy.. hilarious.. and you know if I find someone hilarious, so help you GOD.. So if you’re an nba fan with a sense of humor, check out his blogs and comics at www.slamdumb.com . This one for example had me rollin’:

Oh and I nearly forgot, my buddy KC is the owner of the other site i referenced earlier.. www.2khoops.net , check it out.. make an account, engage in discussions! you may even get a ‘whats up’ or ‘stfu’ from your boy, sebastien3k over there :D .

Well enough of my blibber blabber for now, I’ll post up another one of these soon and if you can read this and you don’t post a comment, it means you have genital herpes. Peace!

-Seb

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Charlotte Bobcats wondering ‘how the hell’ Erick Dampier got on their team

September 18, 2010 By Leave a Comment

CHARLOTTE – Following the aftermath of NBA center Erick Dampier’s release, alot of staff members are wondering how he got on the team in the first place. If anyone had followed Charlotte in the last few seasons, they would agree that progress has been made as the years went on. They even made the playoffs this past season for the first time in their franchise history. So when they made the NBA headlines earlier this week, many fans of the team and even staff members were left wondering why he was on the team to begin with.

“We have Kwame Brown” said an anonymous member of the team. The GM mentioned that the only way he knew Dampier was on the team was because he went on to their website and peeked at their roster out of boredom. “As soon as I found out, I ordered for him to be released.” said the GM. “We are actually trying to win games here, and releasing Erick is a step in the right direction.”

Erick couldn’t be reached for comment. On the brightside, the fact that he blocked us from reaching him gave us confidence in his talents because he actually made a block for once.

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Rajon Rondo volunteers to withdraw from team USA after being threatened to make a free throw

August 25, 2010 By Leave a Comment

rondoATHENS – Rajon Rondo announced his departure from the team USA roster recently and it came as a shock to just about everyone involved in the tournament. Several teammates remained mum during their interviews about why Rondo left. Coach K was also timid but he had to disspell rumors that there was confrontation in the locker room due to Rondo’s attitude.

“It was a tough decision on making the final cuts, so i decided the point guards had to have a simple free throw contest, and the person to make the least free throws will end up being cut.” Staff had said Rondo started throwing a fit because of the contest and decided not to participate in it at all. Players said he was so bad at free throws that he decided he was a goner for sure. “Now we know why we called him the Shaq of point guards. At first he took it as a complement and would beat his chest, but he finally got the hang of it after he missed his 10th freethrow in a row during practice.”

Coach K claims he only suggested that because he wanted it to be a fair competition without anyone getting physically hurt. Rondo could not be reached for comment, but his agent spoke on his behalf saying he is in shooting camp right now back in the U.S.

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Barkley to attend Heat workouts in hopes of getting a ring

July 29, 2010 By 1 Comment

charles-barkleyMIAMI – During a light practice session, we caught up with NBA great, Sir Charles Barkley, who surprised us as usual. The only difference is this time we were shell shocked at what he had to say as to why he was in Miami. At first, we figured he was here for vacation, working on making his golf swing more pathetic or something but Barkley, outfitted in basketball shorts and an undersized mu mu said he was trying out for Miami.

Barkley, lately has been known for his recent harsh remarks regarding Lebron’s decision to join Miami. “After some random kid on an internet forum message board said I shouldn’t be talking because I have no ring, I sat down for a moment and took the night off and thought to myself that he’s right. I need to win a ring to truly establish my name among NBA’s greatest players ever.”

Many fans of the sport and of the league already feel he is rightfully in that discussion. Many even argue that you can’t name NBA’s 50 greatest players of all time without mentioning Barkley, but apparently that wasn’t enough for him. When asked what he’ll do if he does in fact make the squad and win a ring, Sir Charles responded, “I’ll criticize Lebron for jumping ship and then noone can call me out for talking about him this time.”

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Reversible Celtics/Lakers to be sold at Staples Center

June 14, 2010 By Leave a Comment

jerseysLOS ANGELES – Trailing the finals series 3 to 2, the Lakers find themselves trying to play catchup not only with wins in the series, but with their fans as well. Tops, a popular jersey manufacturing company also needs to play catchup with their client base and their best move was to sell reversible laker-celtic jerseys at the home court.

“This is a win win win situation for us” said the company’s chief manufacturing officer, Tom Brown. “We know alot of people here in Los Angeles like teams that win so this product would make them feel at home.” The concept behind this jersey is that when you put it on, you will either have the green side showing outside along with the Celtics logo or the yellow side showing along with the Laker logo. If the Celtics are winning, you can easily switch your jersey inside out to show everyone you’re a Celtics fan, and you knew it all along.

Some finance critics of the company have warned against this move saying that the product could be labeled as a ‘flip flop’ jersey. “This is neat!” said a local Celtics fan we interviewed at a local LA Sports memorabilia store. “I’ve been a diehard Boston fan all my life, and when i get this jersey, I’ll sure stick it to them Lakerheads this upcoming game.” He declined to comment however, when asked what he would do if Lakers won.

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Lakers Front Office to consider putting Bynum to sleep if they lose finals.

June 1, 2010 By Leave a Comment

andrew-bynum-pic1LOS ANGELES – After latest developments, the Lakers medical staff has shown no improvements in Lakers starting center, Andrew Bynum. Bynum spoke with reporters after the tests and we could tell he had no optimism from the look on his face. After the fluid draining Bynum’s knee, doctors said the knee would require surgery as the inflamation doesn’t seem to be improving any.

“Quite frankly, I don’t even know why he’s playing basketball. This guy should be in a wheelchair” commented one of the examiners on Tuesday. When news reached the Laker front office, heads were reportedly rolling, as they had already invested alot financially for the future in Bynum. Coach Phil Jackson mentioned that he is deeply concerned about Bynum. “I’m 40 years older than this guy and I only needed one hip surgery, but glassy mcglassy here has had like 6 injuries and he’s only 22. He acts like he has to run on his knees everyday.”

Bynum without a doubt sensed the pressure coming from all corners of the organization and was even spooked by reports that the club is considering putting him down after this season if they are not successful.

Sasha Vujajic was excited for once that fingers aren’t being pointed at him for screwing up. “I weel nevah fawghet wen anzruw yell at me on zee court tuh pass zee fokin bawll! evah zeens zhen I haz been scare tuh zhoot zee ball” commneted Vujajic.

The Lakers and Celtics will be playing this coming Thursday.

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