Myron Rolle to legally change name to Rick Rolle

myronrolleFLORIDA- Myron Rolle yet made another big announcement today that raised the titan fan’s eyebrow again. During a local interview, Rolle corrected the reporter who called his name by saying he would now like to be addressed as Rick, and not Myron. The reporter asked why, and Rolle responded, “because I don’t want people to think I’m a person that gives up my dreams or lets people down. Just because of my latest media reports, people still shouldn’t think I’m just going to run around or desert them. ”

We weren’t going to interview Rolle but after hearing that response, we felt it was rofljock worthy. The younger reporters giggled at his wit but the older reporters including the interviewer apparently didn’t get the irony. The interviewer then followed up with, “but what does that have to do with being called Rick? Your name would be Rick Rolle?”. Rolle just smiled, and ignored the reporter, picking up his ‘advanced practices in medicine’ encyclopedia and reading while huming to the tune of Rick Astley’s “Never gonna give you up”.

Desean Jackson’s Mcnabb comments a result of Terrell Owens’ voodoo

terrell-owensPHILADELPHIA – After public comments berating Donovan Mcnabb were issued by Eagles WR, DeSean Jackson, the media took every opportunity to probe on the issue as to why Jackson would say these things about Donovan after he got traded to the Redskins. To speak for everyone, we were all under the impression there was a mutual feeling in the Eagles locker room as the team appeared to click well during the 2009 – 2010 season.

Jackson didn’t want to add anymore fuel to the fire after he had realized how big of a story this would be in the media but he did mention that this wasn’t all his idea. As a matter of fact, after watching events unfold in retrospect as broadcast by ESPN, Jackson exclaimed he doesn’t even remember saying a word of what was reported and this ought to be false. He did get convinced we weren’t lying though after he saw video of his interview on TV as well; he couldn’t deny it was him.

Being the good media folks that we are, we decided to help the poor young receiver find out what sort of condition or sorcery may have possessed him to make such comments against one of the most perennial and mature pro-bowlers to ever grace this sport. After deep thought, our staff members looked at each other at the same time and said, “T.O.”

I had placed a call to Terrell Owens after the Jackson interview, and asked if had anything to do with it. Owens just laughed and said he was bored and just wanted to spice up the NFL in the news again. We asked why Owens would do such a thing and why he would still take jabs at McNabb this late. Owens just laughed and repeated again that he was bored and that he enjoys seeing his prior quarterbacks fail. We mentioned to Owens that he didnt’ seem to have any beef toward Trent Edwards or J.P. Losman when he was still WR for the Bills. Owens replied in a text message saying “LOL! do you think i could bring their careers down any further? they sucked already.. there was nothing i could possibly do to make them look worse”. We had also asked Owens where and when he learned how to possess other receivers, and Owens replied that it was a skill he had been working on in the offseason and that he will use that to his arsenal when next he plays ball. “The whole catching footballs thing is getting old and I want to bring a new element to the game. I’ll make defenders shit their pants while trying to chase me, it will really throw them off” replied Owens.

This may well be a very interesting 2010 – 2011 football season.

Drew Brees to sit out season incase of Madden Curse

2350.11 madden drew brees
NEW ORLEANS – After being named the newest Madden cover boy, Drew Brees was excited for the news but he made an interesting announcement shortly after the celebration started. After acknowledging the priviledge of being named, he then announced that he is going to sit out the entire 2010-2011 NFL season to avoid risk of injury. A lot of fans and critics alike failed to understand the reasoning behind the decision until video game nerds explained what we like to call “The Madden Curse”.

The video game series, Madden NFL has spanned for over 10 years but after the corporate decision to put actual players on the video game cover instead of John Madden, there has usually been a decline in performance for that player, especially due to an injury. The madden curse has invaded players like Daunte Culpepper, marshall Faulk, and Michael Vick just to name a few.

A spokesman for the Saints’ front office declined to detail on what they plan to do to get Brees to play. He was kind enough to mention that they’ve considered taking Brees off the cover of that ‘dumb arcade game’ and wished 2ksports football games were still around because the players on their covers had successful seasons.

Backup QB, Chase Daniel, is excited about this as he should see more playing time. Should any more updates occur, you’ll hear it first on rofljock.com.

Miami Dolphins front office bothered by Ricky Williams’ request to have salary paid in weed

ricky-williams-smoking-weedMIAMI – Running back, Ricky Williams of the Dolphins has been relatively quiet as of late and has kept away from the media as far as controversy is involved. He has also had a decent season as a co-RB to Ronnie Brown. However, a comment he made earlier during training camp bothered some team officials. During a quick break, Williams was overheard saying he’d want to ‘toke it up’ to a promising season ahead. Williams also said he’d like to celebrate the progress with a victory joint.

After being confronted by the front office later on last week, Williams only said he was joking and that thsoe comments should be taken lightly. It was always part of his rehab to joke about his previous addictions that way he would feel less guilty about it.

After a mutual understanding with the staff, Williams then proceeded to smoke a bong with them in the office and chatted about how they should’ve drafted an actual dolphin with their first overall draft pick this year.

Lyon defeat Bordeaux after invading stadium


LYON- Lyon progressed into the semi finals of the Champions League last Tuesday, while a series of uncommon circumstances occurred six days prior to the match itself. The date Friday the 2nd of April and Lyon chairman Jean Michel Aulas has held a press conference in anticipation for Lyon

Survey: More Man Utd fans inexplicably becoming Norwich City fans

Manchester-Uniteds-Newton-001MANCHESTER- After beginning knocked out of the Champions League to Bayern Munich and pretty much handing the premier league to Chelsea, it seems more and more Manchester United fans are becoming Norwich City fans. A survey conducted by ROFLJOCK over the past month shows a steady increase in Yellow & Green scarfs begin worn by United fans at games at both Old Trafford and at away games such as yesterdays nil all draw with Blackburn. Since Norwich City are the only team that sport these two exact colours, the only hypothesis is that United fans have jumped on the bandwagon of the league one side, the question put forward is why?

Messi officially “officially” the greatest player on the planet

As i sit and watch Bayern Munich throw away a match to an inferior squad (editors note: You let Darren Gibson score on you???? are you serious) i can not help but anticipate a rematch between the Spanish team i’ve supported since i was 7 and the team i despise more than any other sporting franchise (& that includes the Lakers), Barcelona & Manchester United. At the moment thats just a pipe dream Inter Milan will be no push over and United don’t even have this game in the bag let alone the Semi’s, plus this post is not concerned with the future but the present or technically the past since alot of the focus will be on Messi’s performance in last nights four nil one man show against Arsenal.

Lionel (which i learnt last night means ‘Young Lion’, a pretty relevant name) Messi is only 22 years old and already holds the record for most goals in the Champions League for Barcelona beating Rivaldo last night with his 25th goal in his short professional career and could possibly try going for an amazing 50 goals this season (he’s got 37 for Barca & 4 for Argentina) Some renegade members of the media however would have picked Ronaldo or Rooney as being better than him but after last nights showing those who deferred Messi have gone into hiding, possibly waiting for him to produce a bad performance (if the kid can have one) before crying outrage once again, in fact the question should not be if Messi is the greatest right now but if he’s the greatest of all time, right now the answer should be no but at only 22 years of age Messi figuratively and quiet literally has the world at his unbelievably skillfull feet, the potential is there if it comes to pass not is another matter all together.

After McNabb trade, Philly fans aspire to finally win a superbowl

donovanmcnabbPHILADELPHIA- Lots of happy faces filled the streets on Sunday, after the news broke out that McNabb had been traded to Washington. The general mood out there was that the Eagles have turned over a new leaf and have had a nice breath of fresh air. “Hopefully we can go the extra mile this time” said a local Eagles fanatic.

Eagles fans have been highly critical of their team being a perennial powerhouse but not being able to win a championship. The team was like a tease everytime according to alot of fans alike. Last season did look promising but was cut short after their early playoff exit.

“Now you know why we boo’ed McNabb during the draft..” said longtime eagles fan, Justin McRowan. He also added, “time for us to play a real quarterback!.” For the Quarterback position now, the eagles have a lowly experienced starter in Kevin Kolb and an ex convict in Michael Vick. Another fan added, “I mean, seriously, what kind of team doesn’t win a championship?”. Philly fans are excited because this is the beginning of bulding their championship dream team.

McNabb, on the other hand, wasn’t the least bit slighted by the statements. He said, “Those fans are so crazy, you don’t know whether you won or lost a game. They boo you no matter what.. Maybe they’re really cheering but because of their accent, it sounds like boos!”
Mcnabb seems to be happy about the trade to Redskins, under a new staff and team, we are all eager to see how McNabb performs.

Burnley fans leave burnley game 6 mins in after realizing they

lagalaxyfansinbecksp_203423BURNLEY- After venturing out during tremendous rain storms this Saturday in anticipation for a cracking game of football at the Turf Moor, fans were shocked to realize what they were witnessing. The game Burnley Vs. Manchester City, the final result 6- 1 City. Within six minutes of kick off, many supporters who had only paid entrance fee a mere twenty minutes before hand had fled the stadium, City had scored three goals already within those six minutes but this is not the reason these loyal supports had left, nor was it the worsening weather conditions. It was in fact because they were viewing a Burnley game and not any other team in the five conferences in English football.

One of the many fans who had vacated his seat at this time John Sheffield a local carpenter, initially thought he was watching a Aston Villa Match but after realizing it was in fact Burnley he left immediately. ” That was quiet disturbing to watch” said the horrified Burnley native ” I can’t believe this town is actually allowed to have a football team”.

Ben Roethlisberger Penis Accuses Him of Sexual Harassment

Ben-RoethlisbergerPITTSBURGH- Latest developments on the frenzied story of the Big Ben alleged rape incident arrived early this morning as another source of accusation against him went public. Except, this time it wasn’t from a female or a male but rather his own penis.

In a local morning news report, an obviously worn and timid Big Ben’s penis, struggled to put together words describing the incident without crying. The 28 year old, phallus, has never been visible to the public eye in any level of media. That, along with the sensitive psychological impact it must be feeling, was reason to give the penis an excuse as to why it laid there at the news podium limp in fear at a time like this.

He was still courteous to answer multiple questions like why would he wait until now to come forth to the media and if he feared for the possibility of his relationship with ben ben to be gone. He also explained that, all this must’ve come about after the frequency of the accusations Big Ben had undergone lately. Big Ben and his “stroking” of himself must’ve been “a way to keep himself occupied and stay out of trouble.”

Sex experts out there were polled and interviewed and showed that they were surprised by how upset the penis was because of the stroking activities lately. Dr. McGrath out of Georgia stated that penises at that age should be very well accustomed to any sort of sexual activity, and that for a penis to be that upset that it’d come out to the public eye, it must’ve undergone an unachieved case of tantric masturbation. The penis, did say it was no stranger to masturbation, and infact has even been masturbated by other people like the Steelers coaching staff, commissioner Goodel, and Jim Rome. The frequency of it in the past, just wasnt this much to the point it had bothered him.

We’ll cover this story as more news develops.