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Barkley to attend Heat workouts in hopes of getting a ring

July 29, 2010 By 1 Comment

charles-barkleyMIAMI – During a light practice session, we caught up with NBA great, Sir Charles Barkley, who surprised us as usual. The only difference is this time we were shell shocked at what he had to say as to why he was in Miami. At first, we figured he was here for vacation, working on making his golf swing more pathetic or something but Barkley, outfitted in basketball shorts and an undersized mu mu said he was trying out for Miami.

Barkley, lately has been known for his recent harsh remarks regarding Lebron’s decision to join Miami. “After some random kid on an internet forum message board said I shouldn’t be talking because I have no ring, I sat down for a moment and took the night off and thought to myself that he’s right. I need to win a ring to truly establish my name among NBA’s greatest players ever.”

Many fans of the sport and of the league already feel he is rightfully in that discussion. Many even argue that you can’t name NBA’s 50 greatest players of all time without mentioning Barkley, but apparently that wasn’t enough for him. When asked what he’ll do if he does in fact make the squad and win a ring, Sir Charles responded, “I’ll criticize Lebron for jumping ship and then noone can call me out for talking about him this time.”

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Fans eagerly await free agency in anticipation of what team they will support next season

June 29, 2010 By Leave a Comment

NEW YORK- Brian Jenkins a local new yorker and for the past five years a Cleveland Cavilers fan, says the anticipation of the looming free agency is killing him. Officially teams are allowed to court unrestricted free agency and attempt to lure them to their teams following the establishment of the salary cap which is set to be released on July 8th. Jenkins states though that he can not wait another minute let alone another 9 days. ” I honestly don’t think there is a bigger cavs fan in the world than me, I even got the mascot tattooed on my calf’s, when Mo decided to head to Hawai during the playoff series with the Celtics i cried, like physically cried but if Lebron leaves then i guess i’m going to have to start supporting a new team”. When questioned if he was a bigger cavs fan than those long term fans in Ohio, Jenkins retorted ” What the hell is an Ohio” after proceeding to point Ohio out on a map Jenkins confirmed that he always believed Ohio to have always been apart of Indiana. After being asked why he would desert the team that he beloved so much, Jenkins supported his claims stating that ” Why would i follow a team that has never do anything bar have LeBron James on it?”.

Similar scenes where reported in Toronto Where a mass migration has been taken place with half the citizens going to Illinois while the other half have fled to Florida.

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Sources say other sources’ sources are not as resourceful as the sourceses themselves

June 28, 2010 By Leave a Comment

12198090531909861341man silhouette.svg.medSourceville – According to sources, there has been breaking news of other sources admitting that their sources aren’t as reliable as other sources they compete with. The first source of information came from an unknown source but was reported by another source. The problem however is that even though this source was certain of the source of the story, he didn’t have any back up or resources to prove the source was truthful, therefore the story until proven true is just a rumor.

Other sources couldn’t confirm the story or the source of the story but they claimed to have their own sources of a similar yet different story. Even though no one had the slightest idea of what the story or the source that reported this story, the nature of the story seemed like it was from a highly credible source. All that remains factual in the scheme of things is that there’s a story and there’s a source. The current off season in NFL and NBA are a major source of the commotion of source stories that are flooding media outlets. Despite some of these sources being factual, most of them are made up and just published to get a rise in views from the general public.

To combat the craziness of source rumors across the board, sources say there have been propositions of hiring sorcerers to truly predict what’s really going on behind the scenes. Sources say they feel threatened as the sorcerers will take away the thrill and excitement of not having an idea what’s going on. Other sources that haven’t been mentioned do claim that this whole story isn’t very resourceful at all, but Lebron James is going to be a New York Knick.

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Wizards fan gets hit on by gay ex-convicts after doing John Wall dance

June 26, 2010 By Leave a Comment

James Brand looking absolutely fabulous during a John Wall Dance CompetitionWASHINGTON DC – After a local draft party in Washington DC, James Brand, a local custodian at a high school and a huge Wizards fan ended up wishing the night never happened. James, a father of 2 girls, would’ve been the last person to have a down night during a historic event in Wizards franchise history according to his closest friends but after being sabotaged by a couple of ex prisoners just two days out of prison, he considered becoming a Laker fan.

According to eyewitnesses, after John Wall got drafted, James quickly jumped up on the table in the game area and celebrated the draft choice by doing the “John Wall Dance”. The John Wall Dance as many like to call it is simply the act of bouncing back and forth with your upper body while curling your wrist with your fist leaning away from you then quickly rotating the wrist to lean towards you. It’s better viewed by watching videos on youtube like this one.

Some witnesses also admitted that whilst Brand’s rendition of the John Wall dance was a bit on the feminine side, it was still a pretty good impression. “As soon as he got on there, everyone cheered loudly.. the party was bumping! but i noticed the two quiet guys in the back were staring hard at him keeping quiet” said another attendee who requested to remain anonymous. After he got tired of dancing, the two ex prisoners immediately intercepted him on the way off the table and onto the restroom. “They told me to keep dancing, and that they like the way i flick my wrists” said a traumatized Brand during our interview. Brand said he had tried to explain that he wasn’t doing any sort of gay activity but the gay thugs were having none of it. They proceeded to harass him until the police arrived and put them into custody.

Brand in retrospect, agreed the dance does look “kind of gay” and decided to leave Washington DC. “Im sick of that franchise anyway, our greatest accomplishment was getting and old MJ. I’m moving to LA”. The Ex-cons could not be reached for comment but rumors have it that they, along with others in the gay community across the USA have an exceptional liking to the John Wall dance that it’s a hit at numerous gay clubs.

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Reversible Celtics/Lakers to be sold at Staples Center

June 14, 2010 By Leave a Comment

jerseysLOS ANGELES – Trailing the finals series 3 to 2, the Lakers find themselves trying to play catchup not only with wins in the series, but with their fans as well. Tops, a popular jersey manufacturing company also needs to play catchup with their client base and their best move was to sell reversible laker-celtic jerseys at the home court.

“This is a win win win situation for us” said the company’s chief manufacturing officer, Tom Brown. “We know alot of people here in Los Angeles like teams that win so this product would make them feel at home.” The concept behind this jersey is that when you put it on, you will either have the green side showing outside along with the Celtics logo or the yellow side showing along with the Laker logo. If the Celtics are winning, you can easily switch your jersey inside out to show everyone you’re a Celtics fan, and you knew it all along.

Some finance critics of the company have warned against this move saying that the product could be labeled as a ‘flip flop’ jersey. “This is neat!” said a local Celtics fan we interviewed at a local LA Sports memorabilia store. “I’ve been a diehard Boston fan all my life, and when i get this jersey, I’ll sure stick it to them Lakerheads this upcoming game.” He declined to comment however, when asked what he would do if Lakers won.

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kwame brown unable to realise why other free agents do not wish to meet with him

May 31, 2010 By Leave a Comment

kwame-brown

DETROIT- Former number one draft pick, Kwame Brown twittered the headline players of the free agent draft to meet with them this summer about possible destination for their future nba careers but the response?…nothing.

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New Nets Owner yet to be convinced that free agents are not actually free

May 31, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Mikhail-ProkhorovNEW JERSEY- After a brief front office meeting, newest Nets owner, Mikhail Prokorov, stormed out of the meeting rooms in anger after a disagreement over free agents. We were unable to get a word from him but a spokesman for the team at the meeting explained that there was a disagreement on what a free agent actually is.

We were baffled and demanded more explanation. Another team source at the meeting summarized the minutes, explaining that the meeting started off well until Prokorov said he cannot believe Lebron is going to be free. Another official corrected him saying “you mean ‘a Free Agent?’ but Prokorov insisted he was right to begin with. “I know he’s a FREE agent, that’s what i said, and I have good persuasion skills. We’ll save a lot money bringing James on board! See I was smart by taking over this team.”

The argument within the closed doors escalated at that point over the explanation of the term ‘free agent’. Prokorov didn’t want to hear he’d have to actually spend money to bring in Lebron, if he were interested. Apparently his plan to acquire Lebron, Wade, and Stoudamire have backfired on him and once he realizes how the NBA actually works, Nets fans may have to purchase more paper bags for this upcoming season.

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Local Cleveland man quick to remind everybody that he is actually from Boston

May 31, 2010 By Leave a Comment

NBA Finals Spurs Cavaliers BasketballCLEVELAND – Following the Cleveland Cavaliers disappointing exit from the 2010 NBA playoffs at the hands of the Boston Celtics, local man and huge Cavaliers and LeBron James fan Mike Mestrick, 28, was quick to point out to all his friends, family, and co-workers that he is actually from Boston. Not long after watching the the Cavaliers lose game 6 at a downtown Cleveland sports bar, Mestrick was witnessed taking off his #23 James throwback jersey and tossing it in a city garbage can. Mestrick, like most douche-bag Boston fans, wants everybody to know that he still supports his hometown team.

“I support the Cavs since I live here, but I gotta stay loyal to Boston, show everybody where I am from, especially if they are winning,” said Mestrick.

Even though he moved to Cleveland when he was four, and spent the majority in his life in the downtown area, Mestrick has no problem abandoning his local teams when a Boston team is doing well.

“You know if one of my hometown teams is winning I gotta get behind them. When the Patriots were in the Super Bowl I had to dust off my Tony Eason jersey that I got for Christmas as a kid, and not let any other Patriots fans know that I am Browns season ticket holder,” explained the transplanted Bostonian. “I just like to root for a winner, everybody knows that in Cleveland that doesn’t ever happen.”

Expect Mestrick to ditch his Indians gear and pull out his old Wade Boggs jersey this fall if Red Sox make a push towards the World Series.

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Shaq to donate $1000 to Make-a-Wish Foundation for every free-throw he makes

May 13, 2010 By Leave a Comment

D067930023.jpgCLEVELAND – After a gut-wrenching game 5 loss, the cavaliers now stand at a 3 – 2 disadvantage against Boston. In turn, the media has taken jabs at Cleveland for turning in a sub par effort on their homecourt. However, Shaquille O’neal, an experienced player in the playoffs has done his effort to dry up the dampened spirits in Cleveland.

Earlier on Wednesday, Shaq announced that he promises to donate to charity in hopes to put a smile on everyone’s faces. Local cleveland fans thought this was a sweet thing of him to do. Lately, Shaq has been making the news but in a negative light. So far this year, he has been known to put on wigs and sing in the mirror, squabble with young players about nicknames and in previous years he’s been known for publically asking LA Laker Kobe Bryant how his ass tastes.

This time around, Shaq was quoted at a public press conference saying “Cleveland should smile again, remember the little kids, they are our future and they shouldn’t be overlooked because of basketball. Basketball is just a game, but these kids are our future.” Mothers in the crowd became teary eyed, but for a different reason.

After Shaq claimed he will donate $1000 to the Make-a-Wish foundation for every free throw he makes, the crowd of fans gasped in disbelief. “We just got fooled man!” said a crowd spectator, “how does he expect this to impact the foundation?” Another member commented that Shaq should’ve just written a check because we know he has enough money to support the charity well without putting a dent in his wallet.

The fans are mainly worried because he is known for missing free throws at an incredibly low rate. Some fans still remain optimistic, hoping he really does have a kind heart and this will motivate him to work on his free throws. Shaq did decline comment after a member suggested he donates to charity for every free throw he misses.

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Illegal Phoenix Suns fans to be detained, true fan count down to 20

May 10, 2010 By Leave a Comment

sunsfanPHOENIX- As fans rioted the streets Sunday evening, the general consensus was that there was another public protest about the latest law regarding immigration in Arizona. There is a new law that gives police in Arizona the legal authority to inquire about anyone’s immigration status and have them show proof if by any means they look suspicious to the officer. However, Deputy Tom Branston, one of the officers standing guard pointed out there wasn’t any indication of protest but rather celebration.

Apparently, as soon as game 4 ended, the street of Phoenix fell onto an uproar as many fans left their house and ran naked onto the streets. Branston commented, “It was crazy, there was even this bandwagon that rolled out empty in the middle of Mesa road, downtown; before you knew it, like 30 people jumped in and took off!” Some local Suns fans were overheard saying that they’ve finally won it all. One fan in particular, whose name we couldn’t get yelled, ‘we’re the 2010 Champions baby! whooo!’. After we informed him that they’d still have to face the winner of the utah-lakers game and then face the champion of the Eastern conference afterwards, he had a look of horrid disbelief on his face.

More authorities had to step in when things got a bit riled up and stores started being burned down. They took the opportunity to demand proof of residency in Arizona to over 200 riot participants and ended up arresting roughly 180. It turned out they didn’t really live in Arizona and they were previously fans of other teams like Dallas and Oklahoma City.

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