Tracy McGrady promises to get Knicks to 1st Round of Playoffs

NEW YORK – McGrady gave Madison Square Garden a glimpse of hope. Smiles were spread across everyone’s faces, despite the loss. Cameras and reporters flocked towards McGrady after the game. McGrady sure wasn’t prepared for this response since it’s been so long. He felt like a new star again.

Our interview session was quite short but informative as we managed to squeeze through the horde of New York reporters. We had to squeeze a few balls to get through the pile, and we finally got our microphone in McGrady’s Face.

He was quite candid with the interview, but after another reporter asked, “What are your goals with this team this season?” McGrady simply answered, “well I intend to take this team to the playoffs.” We all chuckled, but we found out he was serious when he continued saying, “this team hasn’t smelled the playoffs since ’03, and i’m sure their thirst for the postseason hungers greatly. That’s why I am here.” I then asked, are you going to get the Knicks past the first round?” Tmac then looked at me like i was crazy and said “you mean to the second round?? that’s asking for too much!”

Tmac has had many accomplishments but one that stands out about him is the main quip by his critics saying he hasn’t ever gotten his team past the first round.

Another reporter commented, asking Tmac how he expects to win a championship if he cant get past round one, but TMac interjected saying if the Knicks fail to win a championship, we can put the blame on him. I chimed back saying, that was not necessary and that we’re not trying to point fingers or blame McGrady but my words fell on deaf ears. TMac continued asking if we realize how much it would mean to New York to actually make the playoffs. “This team is the perfect fit for me, nobody is thinking championship right now, but 2010 free agency season! whoever the Knicks get off free agency, maybe they can help our team do that whole championship thing, whatever it is. I’m the playoff guy!”

McGrady did calm down though and said lets just focus on the now, and worry about the future when it comes, but for now I’m going to get this team to the playoffs! If we do get past the first round though, I may have to sit out the rest of the upcoming series. “My body isn’t used to playing that much basketball a year.”

Detroit Lions’ benchwarmer sued by right hand for non-consensual sex

DETROIT- In a local news report, David Salazar, an unknown player on an unknown team was involved in an unknown sex scandal. It’s not as shocking nowadays to hear of athletes being accused of having non-consensual sex with women. Typically, it ends up being the woman who’s just trying to make a quick buck and get famous. This story however shocked us though because it wasn’t a woman that was making the accusation. We thought the inevitable as we guessed if it was with another man, but we were still wrong. It was with his right hand!

Salazar, got on a press conference immediately after hearing the publicized accusation, and apologized for any detriment to the organization and claimed it wasn’t true and he will be seeking legal action. His hand however, could not be reached for comment as it was being protected from media exposure.

There will be a court hearing on May 22nd, as the hand is counter-suing for rape. “I know it’s hard to believe and yes, sometimes it gets lonely on the bench, knowing your team is getting their ass beat and you’re still not getting put in, but trust me, I would never do such a thing. I never have and never will” commented Salazar.

Thrashers make deal with Devil to ensure playoff spot

HELL- The Atlanta Thrashers have made a blockbuster deal with the Devil, guaranteeing a spot in the 2010 NHL playoffs for the team. In return Atlanta has sent Russian left winger Ilya Kovalchuck to the underworld. The Devil himself was looking for a play-maker and goal scorer to join his team in Hell to be able to finally knock of God’s hockey team, the reigning champions of the league. Atlanta jumped at the opportunity as soon as it was presented, making the playoffs for only the second time since they entered the league in 1999.

“By adding Kovalchuk to the squad, we are hoping that gives us the edge we to finally beat that goodie goodie up in Heaven,” an excited leader of the underworld said. “He thinks he can just control whatever he wants, but I know he wont be able to game plan for us with Kovalchuk on the team.” Kovalchuk will immediately join the team has the first line left winger.

Kovalchuk is currently 7th in the NHL in goals scored, and 15th in total points.

Atlanta general manager Don Waddell added, “It is good to know that we already have a playoff spot locked up for this season. We are confident that the Devil will come through on his promise, we have never had a reason to doubt him in the past.” Although it was hard for him to trade away the fan favorite and best player in team history, Waddell knows that it was the best move for the team. “We are sure the fans will understand the move. This season we will be in the playoffs!”

Atlanta is 10th in the Eastern Conference right now, but now knows fate will propel them into one of the top eight spots.

Tomlinson calls out Welker for not playing through injury

welker

The New England Patriots were dealt a stunning blow on Sunday when Pro Bowl WR Wes Welker suffered a season ending knee injury that would keep him out for the entire playoffs. The receiver tore his ACL and MCL in the first quarter of the regular season finale at Houston. However, not everybody was sympathetic.

“What do you mean he can’t play in the playoffs? All he did was blow his knee out!” said Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson. “What is he gonna do? Just sit there and mope on the sidelines because he can’t walk? Get in there, pussy!”

This comes as a shocking statement from the normally reserved Tomlinson, especially since he has missed parts of playoff games the last two seasons due to late season injuries.

“If people are gonna call me out for not playing on a bad knee or foot, it’s only fair that Welker gets called out too” said the future hall of famer. Tomlinson was heavily criticized but the media the last two years for being unable to go in the team’s most important games of the season.

Welker has not answered any phone calls asking for his comment on the situation.