Texas Longhorns aggressively recruiting the Ivan Brothers

ivanbrosAUSTIN- After the loss to Wake Forest, the Texas Longhorns were sent home early. It’s been a while since they’ve had a first round exit and noone in the staff is used to it. Longhorns coach, Rick Barnes, obviously wasn’t in a chippy mood after the game but was still a good sport and talked to us a bit. “We lost fair and square and there’s nothing we can do about it now but move onto the next season. At least we have more time to plan than the other guys.” said Barnes.

We had heard rumors that there are top high school prospects that are yet iffy about choosing Texas over other top colleges so we asked what Barnes strategy was to sway them to Texas. Barnes gave the usual canned speech without spilling any secrets but at the same time he let up a quick oops by mentioning the Ivan Brothers. We asked him to elaborate a few times and he reluctantly testified that he’s sent his entire longhorn scout team to locate the Ivan brothers. “After that commercial on TV, I had to find them quick! There’s no way talent like that can go to waste! I don’t care if they’re one and done players, I’ve got a lot of experience with that, I just want to win a tournament for once!”

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Big Ivan goes for a dunk on a fast break play

I suggested that the commercial might just be a joke in a ploy to advertise Capital One ventures and that there is no such duo as the Ivan brothers, but again, my words fell on deaf ears as Barnes looked at me with desperation in his eyes. “Our school features highly ranked programs across the major sports, we’ve got a huge fan base across Texas, and we always excel in the recruitment wars! but we don’t have a freakin’ championship!” said Barnes. He also added that the Ivan brothers will make people fear Texas again after this dismal season because there would be no match for that duo who would be replacing his expiring front court in Damion James and Dexter Pittman.

The Texas coach said he had already made plans to visit countries like Norway and Finland to start his search because he believes they may have returned to their native land. Barnes was able to recruit Kevin Durant all the way from Maryland. We believe his scouts are very convincing but this will be their greatest challenge in our opinion. We do wish the best for Texas however, in their quest to live up to all the hype that has surrounded their basketball team for the past decade.

Kevin Durant ironically can’t score off the court

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OKLAHOMA- Kevin Durant’s streak off scoring 25+ points for the past 29 games ended a couple of days ago in a road trip to the San Antonio Spurs but the one time Longhorn confided in a one on one interview with ROFLJOCK this weekend. Although he has no problem scoring constantly on the court, he is having a very dry streak off the court.

“This isn’t something i’ve told a lot of people but i can’t get a girl if my life depended on it!!” the 6ft10 small forward confessed. “it’s crazy because i’m suppose to be this amazing scoring, but i haven’t been laid in ages and its lasted way longer than twenty nine games that’s for sure. ”

“Hell the last time was when i was in Texas at party, this girl from my sociology class Ashia Taylor, that i always liked just broke up with her boyfriend and was desperate and digging me, the next day she won’t have anything to do with me though i don’t know what the problem is”.

At this point in the interview, the Oklahoma stud began showing signs of despair “Is it because i’m really skinny, i guess chicks dig guys like Tyrese cause they got all those muscles. Maybe it’s because i’m so tall that most girls only go to my waist.”

After those final words KD asked for the interview to be ended he was considerably shaken but stated that he was thinking about pulling a Greg Oden to gain some female attention to his ‘stuff’.