Eric Byrnes talked out of suicide squeeze attempt by suicide hotline

97758238LB007_SEATTLE_MARINSEATTLE – When Ichiro Suzuki came flying down the line in the bottom of the 11th last Friday night in Seattle, the last thing he expected was batter Eric Byrnes to to take the pitch and pull the bat back in a failed suicide squeeze attempt. During a suicide squeeze attempt, the runner leaves from 3rd base when the pitcher starts his wind-up, and the hitter squares to bunt and tries to but the ball no matter where it is pitched. Failing to put the ball in play will 99% of the time cause the base runner to be out.

Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington was actually ejected from the game for arguing balls and strikes on that play because the pitch was called a ball, and he figured there was no possible way hitter would not offer at the pitch.

After the game, Byrnes announced that he was nervous in the dugout before the at-bat, knowing that his manager Don Wakamatsu was going to ask him to execute a suicide squeeze. Byrnes, who rarely bunts, wasn’t sure how to handle the situation so he got help from a suicide help hotline, who talked him out of the “suicide attempt.”

“He got cold feet,” said Wakamatsu. “We were all set up for the suicide, and at the last second he changes his mind and screws up the whole play. I hope he is happy with his decision, because I’m going to make sure he is not around here any longer.”

Wakamatsu lived up to his word; Byrnes was cut by the Mariners on Sunday night.

Ron Washington seen snorting 3rd base line

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Ron at 4am in the morning

GLENDALE, AZ- Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington was spotted last week, on his hands and knees with his face buried in the third base line at the team’s spring facility, attempting to inhale the fair/foul line. Washington, who tested positive for cocaine in the summer of 2009 in a random MLB drug test, apparently thought the base lines would give him the same high. The base lines however, are just chalk, which Washington tried to snort anyway.

“We tried to stop him,” said second baseman Ian Kinsler. “He is just a fiend, he’ll try anything that is a white powder. I saw him even try the rosin bag once.”

Washington has been seen wandering through Camelback Ranch at odd hours of the day and night looking to get his fix. One janitor even claims he saw him pick up a bag of flour from the teams cafeteria and try to snort that.

The Rangers are hoping they can get Washington the help that he needs, but still plan to keep him as the teams manager throughout the 2010 season.

Texas Longhorns aggressively recruiting the Ivan Brothers

ivanbrosAUSTIN- After the loss to Wake Forest, the Texas Longhorns were sent home early. It’s been a while since they’ve had a first round exit and noone in the staff is used to it. Longhorns coach, Rick Barnes, obviously wasn’t in a chippy mood after the game but was still a good sport and talked to us a bit. “We lost fair and square and there’s nothing we can do about it now but move onto the next season. At least we have more time to plan than the other guys.” said Barnes.

We had heard rumors that there are top high school prospects that are yet iffy about choosing Texas over other top colleges so we asked what Barnes strategy was to sway them to Texas. Barnes gave the usual canned speech without spilling any secrets but at the same time he let up a quick oops by mentioning the Ivan Brothers. We asked him to elaborate a few times and he reluctantly testified that he’s sent his entire longhorn scout team to locate the Ivan brothers. “After that commercial on TV, I had to find them quick! There’s no way talent like that can go to waste! I don’t care if they’re one and done players, I’ve got a lot of experience with that, I just want to win a tournament for once!”

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Big Ivan goes for a dunk on a fast break play

I suggested that the commercial might just be a joke in a ploy to advertise Capital One ventures and that there is no such duo as the Ivan brothers, but again, my words fell on deaf ears as Barnes looked at me with desperation in his eyes. “Our school features highly ranked programs across the major sports, we’ve got a huge fan base across Texas, and we always excel in the recruitment wars! but we don’t have a freakin’ championship!” said Barnes. He also added that the Ivan brothers will make people fear Texas again after this dismal season because there would be no match for that duo who would be replacing his expiring front court in Damion James and Dexter Pittman.

The Texas coach said he had already made plans to visit countries like Norway and Finland to start his search because he believes they may have returned to their native land. Barnes was able to recruit Kevin Durant all the way from Maryland. We believe his scouts are very convincing but this will be their greatest challenge in our opinion. We do wish the best for Texas however, in their quest to live up to all the hype that has surrounded their basketball team for the past decade.

McCoy hoping injury hurts draft status

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It wasn’t all bad news for Colt McCoy, who injured his right shoulder in the first quarter of the BCS National Championship Game on Thursday. The quarterback is hoping some of the have-not teams at the beginning on the draft will shy away from selecting him because of the injury.

“Everything happens for a reason,” said the Texas star, “maybe God did this so I wont have to play for a team like the Rams, Browns, or Raiders. No offense to them but I’d like to play for a team that has a chance to compete every year.”

Always looking at the positives, McCoy is hoping he’ll be able to start right away on a team that is just a quarterback away from being a playoff-caliber team. “Hopefully I’ll be able to jump in and start right away” said McCoy, “I’m looking forward to the NFL and hope I can help whatever team I play for, I just hope its not St. Louis or Oakland, then my career would be doomed from the start.”

McCoy is expected to be one of the top three quarterbacks drafted in April.